Listen, ladies. Waxing your vagina is so 2001. Finding a mate is hard, especially if you’re just fighting waxed vagina with waxed vagina. What are you going to do if you aren’t that attractive or have a well-documented history of domestic abuse?
Thankfully, Jennifer Love Hewitt has brought Vajazzling into the mainstream. This practice, once only attempted by women smuggling precious jewels out of countries like Africa, involves the adhesion of sparkly things to the top of the vagina. I’m not really sure if there’s a technical term for the top of the vagina. Pleasure-less hump? I’m guessing here.
Over on The Luxary Spot, Bryce wrote an article titled “I Got Vajazzled (and had a camera crew)” about her first-hand experience getting little crystals glued to her vagina. After my initial disappointment finding out that “and had a camera crew” didn’t mean that Bryce’s shiny new vagina secured her a sexual adventure with an entire camera crew, I found out some helpful facts about Vajazzling.
Unfortunately, I don’t think our society is making the best use of this wonderful new technology. The result of Bryce’s Vajazzling was a cute little pattern of crystals that she can now use to gather and reflect available light if her power goes out. But there is potential for much more.
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A little batch of crystals might convince that pickpocket to take you back to his “workshop” under the subway, but this practice of Vajazzling has the potential to turn vaginas into prime spots for advertising. Women should be trying to sign deals with innovative companies that aren’t afraid to take advertising risks.
Apple’s new iPad is about to hit the market. I think that “iPad” spelled out in crystals above a few hundred vaginas could really help get the word out about the new product. Prostitutes and strippers could make a fortune based on how many eyes pass in front of their vaginas on a daily basis.
Even Google could get in on the action. The words “Google it!” above your vagina would not only be a funny conversation piece between you and the guy you pick up at whatever bar (assuming he can read), but from that moment on, that guy would know that Google is the place to find vaginas.
For women who’d rather not sell that precious advertising space, there are plenty of ways to use Vajazzling to make a personal statement. For example. the word “Help” in crystals above a vagina ensures that every guy you meet knows the desperation of your situation.
But you could also Vajazzle things that you like. Something like “nagging the shit out of you until I whittle down your spirit into something easily crushed by my clawed hand” might be too long, but that could easily be replaced with a word more to the point like “yelling.” Other women might want to list a few of their hobbies at the top of their vaginas. Specific hobbies like “figure skating” would work really well, and, in figure skating’s case, the sparkling of the crystals would symbolize the sparkle of the ice. Be careful with hobbies that are too vague or that could be misunderstand. For example, Vajazzling the word “movies” might make potential suitors believe that pornography is required for vaginal access.
Can men get Vajazzled?
Most men can’t get Vajazzled because they don’t have vaginas. I hear that some scientists are working on technology that would allow men to graft functioning vaginas to easily accessible locations like the palms of their hands. But the science still needs years to mature and will probably mean the end of the human race.
However, I don’t see any reason why men can’t get the top of their penises Pejazzled. It would limit available partners since thrusting crystals against flesh is rarely a pleasurable experience. Pejazzled men would only be able to have sex with Vajazzled women or women with large amounts of pubic hair, since both would buffer the friction of the crystals.
Of course, some people like a little pain with their pleasure, so the sensation of sharp crystals against raw flesh might be a bonus. For couples who like a lot of pain with their pleasure, I’m sure it’s possible for women to get the inside of their vaginas Vajazzled. The resulting jagged cavern would probably feel about the same as fucking the mouth of one of those sandworms from Beetlejuice.
The good thing about men getting Pejazzled is that it would allow even more advertising options. For example, let’s say you’re a man looking for a girl that shares your taste in music. You could get the word “Blink” Pejazzled at the top of your genitals and then just search for the girl with “182″ Vajazzled. Or, if you’re into swinging and interested in having a three-way, you could get the word “Creedence” Pejazzled and look for two girls or a guy and a girl sporting “Clearwater” and “Revival,” respectively.
As you can see, this new Vajazzling technology is boundless. I always thought that genital advertising was limited to something permanent like a tattoo or something unflattering like Bedazzled denim panties. I’m so glad I was wrong.