There is one group that “Dancing With the Stars” has yet to addict to the show’s irresistible blend of dancing and washed-up celebrity. With the addition of Tom Delay, “Dancing With The Stars” hopes to finally reach America’s largely untapped criminal population.
Tom Delay should prove popular with both convicted convicts and accused criminals awaiting trial. Now all “Dancing With the Stars” has to do is market Tom Delay correctly. Here are a couple ideas to get them started.
Outfit
Criminals aren’t going to recognize Tom Delay as one of their own unless “Dancing With the Stars” makes it clear that Delay belongs behind bars. At first, I was going to suggest that Delay join a popular American gang like The Bloods or The Crips, but doing so would probably unite both gangs in their fervor to kill him. And a deceased Tom Delay can only be marketed to the deceased people, a group that traditionally doesn’t dance, watch TV. or breathe.
I think it’s safer if Delay’s outfit lets people know that he’s a criminal but doesn’t offend any criminals convicted of violent crimes as opposed to Delay’s white collar or “pussy” crime. And it’d be nice if this outfit also had something to do with dance. Given these factors, I suggest Elvis’s outfit from Jailhouse Rock.
Tom Delay on Dancing With the Stars
The only negative thing about a a prison-uniform outfit is that Tom will have to wear it in every dance.
“Dancing With the Stars” should also outfit Tom Delay with some kind of face or neck tattoo. It will be tempting for “Dancing With the Stars” to go cheap with a temporary tat, but I can’t stress the marketing importance of making everything seem as genuine as possible. Delay’s new tattoo should be real and permanent. It should be something that has to do with criminal life, but it shouldn’t be too tough because “harder” criminals will see right through a bloody syringe or a cauldron full of infants. I suggest the McDonald’s Hamburglar holding a bag of money.
The cape should flow nicely with Delay's jawline.
Dancing
To help people in lock-up relate to Tom Delay’s dancing, each dance should be performed in an eight foot by twelve foot area to simulate the amount of space available in a typical prison cell. If imprisoned criminals can’t perform Tom Delay’s dances at home, they’ll stop watching “Dancing With the Stars” and go back to making kidney-picks out of toothbrushes.
I’m not very familiar with prison dances, but if Delay can work in some push ups or weightlifting, it will probably only help. I also suggest that Tom Delay be paired up with a male dancer to simulate the type of dance partner available in prison. Delay should also make this dance partner his “bitch” with “dance rape.” The “dance rape” will have to be fake, real rape obviously won’t go over well with most advertisers. (Note: Dancing with the Stars could try signing up some pro-rape advertisers, but they all might be busy creating ads for the Glenn Beck show.) If nothing else, this simulated rape dancing will provide Tom Delay with some practice for the future.
Attitude
This should come naturally for Tom. All he has to do is act like a total asshole to anyone who questions his dancing, his neck tattoo, the positions he chooses for “dance rape,” or his theories on evolution. It’s most important that Delay is as belligerent as possible to the judges as most criminals despise judges.
"Forget the Death Tax. All you goddamn judges want to do is hit me with a fucking Dance Tax."
Since Tom Delay doesn’t look like a traditionally tough criminal, it might be beneficial for “Dancing With the Stars” to choreograph some stunt for Delay to up his street cred. Looking at the upcoming roster, Delay might be able to best Melissa Joan Hart or Aaron Carter in a fair fight, but we don’t want to take any chances that Delay will starting to crying and ranting about health care after taking a punch. For these reasons, I suggest the Delay “shank” either Chuck Liddel or Macy Gray. Both can take a stabbing in stride, and the incident will prove to all the convicts watching that Tom Delay is the real deal.
Conclusion
If “Dancing With the Stars” markets him correctly, they can successfully use Tom Delay to reach a traditionally unreachable part of the population. If Tom Delay plays his cards right, he could have a meaningful future teaching convicts how to win at “dance rape.”
