Iwanted to write about this sooner, but I had trouble finding a link to one of the commercials. I figured that was crucial for people who might not have seen the commercial because they have better things to do than watch TV and play Team Fortress 2.

Then, ironically, I found a link to a video of the commercial on Yoplait’s website. Some might suggest that I probably should have checked there first.

Anyway, I think most of you are familiar with these Yoplait commercials. The first one is set in a kitchen with the wife on the phone talking about how much weight she is losing eating junk food. Her husband, presumably fresh from playing Scrabble with a bunch of stuffed animals, gets confused and starts looking for these treats in the fridge. The wife turns around, sees him in the fridge, and then reveals to the world that she secretly beats him after dark in an upstairs closet. 

The theme of domestic abuse isn’t obvious, but Yoplait had to keep it subtle because I doubt much Yoplait yogurt is eaten in prison. In prison, the only yogurt flavor available is Buffalo Back and Sea Salt, and most of the prisoners need to be force fed.

Our first clue that something is wrong is how excited the husband gets when he hears there is possibly something to eat in the house besides his wife’s fist. His facial expression shows this excitement, but the excitement is mixed with something — terror.

That's the face a deer makes before it runs across the field toward the salt lick and gets shot.

The husband yanks open the fridge, frantically searching for something sweet he can stuff in his face. He knows this is wrong. He knows he will be punished, but his stomach doesn’t care; it’s prepared to take the high-heeled kicks. But he can’t find anything, and a fucking pile of yogurt keeps getting in his way. She could turn around any second. She will turn around any second. He needs to abandon this suicide mission. He needs to pull out, just like in his dreams where his wife’s father pulls out and prevents his wife’s terrible existence. Oh fuck, it’s too late.

babe, what are you doing?

He wants to cry out, but the last time that happened she pickled one of his testicles.

The Sequel

Afraid that the first commercial didn’t bring their point home, Yoplait decided to make a sequel. I was a little confused when I saw the husband on the phone, then I figured he had earned this privilege through countless forced oral-sex sessions.

The name of this commercial is “Guy Talk.” I think this is supposed to show us how broken this man’s spirit is; he gets on the phone and all he wants to talk about is yogurt. And look how skinny he is. He really must have gotten the “treatment” after his fuck-up in the first commercial.

He’s not chatting for long before the wife comes in and hears him lying, not just about what he’s been eating but that he’s been eating. There are two things she won’t tolerate: lying and her husband being happy. This situation looks like a combination.

She's doubly angry because if she knew she was going to have to bleed her husband out, she would have worn her "platelet hoodie."

The husband is totally oblivious to her entrance. You’d think he’d be more jumpy by this stage of their relationship. He keeps talking and talking until..

babe?

I think we're supposed to assume that he urinates. The commercial is shot from the waist up to leave an element of mystery.

Conclusion

It’s hard to say if there will be a third installment in this series. The husband has shown remarkable durability over span of  two commercials. The lack of superficial bruises makes me think that his wife works for a cosmetic company.

Yoplait does leave us with something at the end of the “Guy Talk” commercial.  The husband puts a little smile on his face before turning around. This is an obvious attempt to charm his wife into not breaking his writing hand again. The question is — will it work?  It seems like pure suicide but maybe he’s eaten enough yogurt to pull it off..