That title is misleading. I didn’t actually replace this post with Fruit by the Foot. I can’t just go wasting Fruit by the Foot on random Mediabane posts. What would I eat for Thanksgiving dinner?

This Fruit by the Foot commercial makes me want to replace a bunch of stuff in my life with Fruit by the Foot. Instead of throwing away the stuff I don’t need, I could just turn it into Fruit by the Foot and work on gaining the weight needed to make my bony ass not hurt when I sit on flat surfaces.

That was obviously the kid on the left’s first Fruit by the Foot duel. Most professional Fruit by the Foot duelers that I know lead off with “I’ve replaced your tongue with Fruit by the Foot.” Without the power of voice, the other person can’t replace something on your body with Fruit by the Foot.

Of course, that strategy only works if you win the coin toss. You could lose the coin toss and get your own tongue replaced. This is why I always carry index cards and a sharpie marker. Just make sure you don’t replace your opponent’s eyes with Fruit by the Foot or you’ll fuck yourself.

The kid on the left made the rookie mistake of trying to point out how much he ruined his opponent’s life by turning his fingers to Fruit by the Foot. He had to rub it in his opponent’s face that that guitar would never again produce music. How do you play guitar with Fruit by the Foot fingers? You don’t. Based on the bleak surroundings, that kid had nothing else to do besides vacuum with that soviet-made vacuum cleaner or play USSR battle hymns on the guitar.

A Fruit by the Foot battle should never become personal. Emotions cloud your judgment. The kid on the left could have won that duel, but now the winner is eating pieces of his face. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Reminisce with me for a moment. I want you to think back to those trips to the department store when you were a child. Usually those events were pretty bland.  Sears or Macy’s was a blank landscapes of clothing racks and linoleum floors washed in white florescent light. The only thing that made these childhood trips to the department store interesting was the welcome grip of fear brought on by the cold, lifeless eyes of the plotting mannequins.

Old Navy, not satisfied with taking the joy out of wearing shorts and anything made from denim, has sullied our terror-filled memories and insured that no child will ever find a mannequin scary again with the creation of Supermodelquins.

Over the years, I’ve noticed the steady decline of display mannequins.  And without kids hanging on to their parents’ legs in fear, begging to leave the store, forcing their parents to make hasty fashion decisions that they’ll regret later, I’m surprised any clothing gets sold. (To be fair, I probably go to a department store once every three years and while there my eyes are usually locked on the floor in confusion and enamor …ment? with my own reflection, but the last time I went I can’t remember seeing any mannequins, so that’s enough for me to feel comfortable making a sweeping generalization.)

Then Old Navy comes along. But instead of focusing on what works about mannequins (the dead-eyed stares, the creepy smiles, that certain “why does that look like my uncle?  he drowned.  I PUSHED HIM AND HE DROWNED.” something) Old Navy gives us a group of smiling gossips who actually like being mannequins. Mannequins don’t like being mannequins. Being a mannequin is the job you get stuck with after you forget how much pot is considered a misdemeanor or after they manage to get DNA off that kid’s skateboard.

I should walk in to a store, see a mannequin, and wonder if I’m going to see the mannequin again later when the power goes out and I’m down in the basement looking for candles. Would it have killed Old Navy to incorporate some of the proud mannequin tradition in to their ad campaign? Couldn’t they have kicked it up a notch for a new generation? I watch these Supermodelquins commercials and wonder why the little mannequins aren’t covered in cigarette burns. Why isn’t “Josh’s” one eye closed to the light, preferring to hunt only in shadow? “Amy’s” face looks a little too real, why doesn’t it look like she’s wearing a mask made out of paper-mache and baby-skin?

I hear that for their next ad, Old Navy is going to start a campaign staring Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. But instead of Freddy killing kids in their dreams, he’s going to use kids’ dreams to find out how many tankinis they want and then the commercial’s going to end with him using his knife hand to carve something out of a conch shell.

In the Seasonique “RePunctuate Your Life” birth control pill commercial, several women are finally standing up to the shadowy figure responsible for the global law requiring twelve periods a year. Because of the actions of Seasonqiue and these brave women, the “Who Says” revolution is flowing across America and the globe.

The only problem I can see for the future of this revolution is the lingering question of who actually says women have to have twelve periods a year.  Who are we fighting against? Who’s responsible?

Jesus

Jesus

Sure, Jesus is a likely candidate. He’s had a cross to bear against women for centuries. Remember how Eve was made from Adam’s rib? While Adam was tearing his rib off, Jesus probably decided to double down.

Jesus: “Adam, stop clawing at yourself for a second.”

Adam: “it hurts it hurts it hurts..”

Jesus: “At first I thought women would be insulted enough when they found out they were made from the rib of such a naked pussy, but now I’m not sure.”

Adam: “owie owie owie owie”

Jesus: “Great idea, Adam.  Twelve times a year I’ll make them bleed out of those holes where a penis is supposed to go. That’s a double entendre.”

Adam: “I’ve been sticking my penis in the ground over by that tree.”

Jesus: “….”

It must really piss Jesus off that women have reached the point of rebellion against the number of periods they have a year. Soon women will want equal pay for equal work and voting rights.   …It has been pointed out to me that women already have the right to vote.  Don’t tell Jesus.

Corporate America

Corporate America. Macro.

It makes sense. Look how many companies profit from periods:

-Tampax

-Midol

-Bedford/St. Martin from the Rules for Writers series

-Trojan

-Google’s Adwords from the following keyword searches “can i get pregnant during my period”, “can a girl get pregnant during her period”, “can a girl have sex during her period”, “can i get aids from drinking menstrual blood”

-Pampers

-Budweiser

-Maxi

-Duracel

It could be argued that if Corporate America is behind the monthly period, Seasonique is part of the problem and not the leader we need.  The Seasonqiue brand is owend by the Duramed Pharmecutical corporation, but Seasonique’s goals seem to be totally against those of the other corporations on my list.  For example, in the RePunctuate Your Life commercial, one of the women make a point to explain that having a period once every three months equals four periods a year.

This is an effort to convert uneducated TV viewers who either don’t know how many months are in a year or who can’t count to four. This part of society uses almost all of the items made by the companies on my list with the obvious exceptions of The Rules of Writers and The Internet.  Seasonique is definitely with us.

The Uterus

I’m not a doctor, but I once rode really fast in an ambulance. It has been known for years that the Uterus craves baby eggs and excretes blood as a by product. Here’s a helpful illustration from a medical book with lots of facts and words.

A Uterus hunting

The Uterus’s constant yearning for fresh eggs gives it more than enough reason to support twelve-periods-a-year legislation

Also, for my younger readers, and since I brought it up above, a baby is made when an egg manages to sneak past the Uterus’s chomping maw and get lodged in the Uterus’s throat.  The egg then hatches and grows, feeding off the Uterus like a parasite until bursting forth to freedom.

The more I examine the three candidates above, the more I think that the force responsible for twelve periods a year could be any one of them. Since Jesus doesn’t have a Uterus and there isn’t a single Uterus in Corporate America,  I doubt anyone is working together..

What do you guys think?