The other night I saw a commercial for Latisse — “the only FDA approved prescription treatment for inadequate or not enough eyelashes.” I guess this means that Latisse just got the numbers back and decided there are enough people with inadequate lashes in southern New Jersey. I wouldn’t say this is in the top five of southern New Jersey’s problems, but hey.

Latisse has opened a door with this product. If we can grow lashes above our eyes, where else can we grow lashes?  It is FDA approved.

The Upper Lip

Going by my non-existent knowledge of Biology, the upper lip is obviously the best candidate for lash growth. The benefits of having a mustache made entirely out of lashes are obvious. For example, flirting would be a lot easier. I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost a date because I was unable to creepily wink at an attractive girl from across the room. With a lashtache, I could just open and close my mouth while the girl squealed with glee.

And what’s the biggest complaint about mustaches? That’s right — their limited styling options. A lashtache would take well to the application of mascara, extending your lashtache to nearly twice the length for parties or State of the Union addresses.

The Pubic Region

Wait!  Wait.  Click on my ads on the way out.

It will probably be hard to grow lashes on a part of the body other than the face …given my non-existent knowledge of biology. But I think the chance to replace pubic hair with lashes is too beneficial not to try

For centuries, people thought that crying or tearing from the eye was caused by emotions or used by the eye to flush out debris ..like eyelashes. New studies have shown that lashes are superb insulators and that this weeping or tearing is caused by the eye becoming too hot.

Pubic hair is used to keep the genitals warm during winter months or during long, long, long, frustratingly long, stages of inactivity. If pubic hair was replaced with lashes, the amount of conserved heat-energy in the genital region would skyrocket. This could cause more genital growth in both men and women. For severe cases that require maximum genital growth, I recommend wearing a diaper full of Latisse for eight weeks. The resulting lash growth should make your genital-area able to conserve enough energy to heat a medium-sized room. I recently gave away my space-heater.

A side benefit of replacing pubic hair with lashes is that the “penial-stalk” in men becomes covered in lashes. These lashes act like ribbing for her pleasure. I’ve found that they also work great for scratching palm itches.

The Head

The proximity to the eyes should make this one a no-brainer. The head is one of the most dissatisfying regions of the body. Traditional head-hair needs constant washing, blowing, styling, and cutting. When was the last time you had to cut your eye-lashes? Not counting that time you wanted your boyfriend to think you were unstable so he wouldn’t break up with you.

Another benefit of head-lashes is that they should finally help mankind replicate the Dragon Ball Z hairstyle. Teenagers and aimless twenty-somethings have pined over this type of hair for years. Lashes have the unique ability to taper into perfect symmetrical points, a required attribute if one wishes to resemble a cartoon character. With persistence and some dye, the Super Saiyan 3 hairstyle should be easy to accomplish. But I have a feeling that only a few will achieve the much controversial Super Saiyan 4.

"What's that soaring away in the distance? Oh, it's my chance to ever be with a woman."

Other Non-Hair Areas

This will be difficult, but not impossible. If chemicals are concentrated enough, anything can happen. I never thought I could get into Harvard, but thanks to concentrated amounts of alcohol during my admission interview, I was right.

I’ve heard reports of some people successfully growing tongue-lashes. I bet kissing someone with tongue-lashes is like nothing else you’ll ever experience. Actually, it’s probably similar to performing oral sex on someone with pubic-lashes.

Let’s see, there are rumors of lip-lashes, not to be confused with the lashtache. Lip-lashes are reputed to extract nutrients from the air like the tentacles of a sea anemone. I wouldn’t attempt to grow lip-lashes if living near landfills or tanneries.

With enough imagination, the options are endless. But take caution. Never, under no circumstance, unless bet a large sum of money, should anyone ingest Latisse. Painful kidney-lashes are no joke.

You probably already know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of physically shifting the temporal landscape, making otherwise horrible events like commuting to work and working at work enjoyable ..by turning them French. And I’m sure you’ve heard about the clinical studies done with the blind and McDonald’s McCafe coffee that finally debunk the myth that blind people can’t drink from straws.

But did you know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of improving a variety of other things?

Bee stings

When applied to a fresh bee-sting, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is able to neutralize the venom and reduce the swelling of the affected area. One side affect is that the McCafe will eventually dry into a sugary layer, attracting more bees with stingers.

Cancer

Though never proven as an effective cancer treatment, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is French and France’s health care system has won a bunch of awards.

Dieting

McCafe coffee, while not necessarily a diet food, has been reported to cause weight-loss in individuals put on an all McCafe diet. Unfortunately this weight-loss is always followed by death.

Cycling

In all tests, cyclists who hydrated with McCafe coffee before a big race ranked higher in the final standings than cyclists forced to hydrate with McDonald’s McCafe coffee during the race.

Drug Rehabilitation

Studies have shown that addicts given McDonalds McCafe coffee three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, were less likely to fall back into their old drug habits. Work is still being done to determine the correlation of an increased violent-crime rate among these affectionately named McAddicts.

Driving

Drivers drinking McDonald’s McCafe coffee are less likely to have a fatal collision.  However, these drivers are more likely to beep their horns behind people in line at McDonald’s drive-throughs, try to barter down the price of gas at gas stations, and only buy music from celebrity artists who have recently died.

Geico’s “The Money You Could be Saving” line of commercials are great marketing tools. They combine Geico’s flair for creepiness with the savvy gamble that people like money.

Geico’s next group of commercials use the formula of the “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials but take Geico’s advertising to, in my opinion, the next level.

Some History

Geico has struggled for years to find the perfect character that symbolized money. The Gecko was close. He was green like money and exotic like the idea of having a lot of money. The cavemen were better. They went to fancy parties, lived in expensive apartments, and were worth a lot of money if captured and sold into scientific slavery.

With the “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials, Geico finally realized that symbolism is a dead art, like Macrame or drawing Nintendo characters in Paint. The “money” in “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials is an actual stack of money instead of something like a T-Rex with diamonds for eyes. (His name could be “Ice-Rx” with the “Rx” standing for “prescription” and the “ice” standing for diamonds, so diamond prescription. And diamonds are worth a lot of money. So Geico has the prescription for money.  Awesome, right?    …Fuck you guys.  Geico, call me.)

For their next batch of advertising, Geico is taking literal to a whole new level with the “Money To Buy This Now” commercials. The idea behind these commercials is that no one puts saved money in the bank, instead they just immediately spend it on things like little Ed’s medicine or a replacement for the broken sex-swing.

Geico’s Next Set Of Commercials

These new commercials eliminate the popular stack of money with eyes and replace it with a popular consumer-good with eyes. The consumer-good used varies by state.  For example, in states like North Dakota and Colorado, the new “Money To Buy This Now” commercial starts with a husband and wife arguing in slurred voices about the wife passing out all afternoon instead of washing the husband’s dress tank tops. In shuffles Geico’s new mascot, Thirsty, a giant Feckin whiskey bottle featuring those two peering eyes. The husband and wife stop arguing, look at each other, and then rush to the phone to call Geico. The commercial ends with the wife, covered in blood, passing out in the pickup on the way to the liquor store.

The “Money To Buy This Now” commercial airing on the east coast features an average family sitting around the living room.  The kids are watching something on TV while the dad handles the bills at the kitchen table in the adjoining room. The youngest child, a girl, gets up from the couch and, dragging her teddy bear by his foot, walks into the kitchen to tug on her father’s pant leg. The man smiles, looks down, and asks what his sweet dear wants. The young child starts screaming for ice cream.

The little girl howls and kicks and yells. The dad tries to quiet her, but he can’t. He runs to the kitchen, tearing open the cabinets in a frantic search for something sweet to stuff in her mouth. There’s nothing. The house is barren of snack. He pulls out his wallet only to find it too empty. Just as he grabs a plastic bag off the counter and closes his eyes, in slides the new Geico mascot, Sweets, a huge dripping ice cream cone with two eyes pressed into the mass of melting vanilla. The young child stops crying immediately. The dad grabs the phone and calls Geico. In the last scene of the commercial, the relieved father is sitting at the table with his little girl, watching her take the last bite of her ice cream cone. She chews it up, swallows, and starts screaming for more ice cream.

Geico is also focus-testing several other new mascots and some of the results are surprising.  Sticky the giant syringe is obviously doing well in places like California, but is also scoring high in every rich, white community in the country. Shockingly, Plungy the giant lifelike dildo is receiving a lot of good feedback from the elderly population. When questioned about Plungy’s appeal, most seniors stated that they could easily relate to Plungy’s wrinkly texture.

This new marketing strategy is another radical step by Geico. I see it taking a proud place in a long line of sometimes confusing, sometimes unsettling, but always original advertising.

We all know that lovable Snuggle Bear from the Snuggle fabric softener commercials. He’s been with Snuggle since 1983 in a mutually lucrative relationship that I’m guessing started when both parties figured out they had the same name.

Snuggle Bear is known for his creepy obsession with softness, freshness, and cuddling; which makes him and the Snuggle brand a perfect match. But before he started working with Snuggle, his peculiarities made it hard to work for other employers.

Mattress Salesman

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 conversation with the manager of a Sleepy’s mattress store–

Manager Mark: “We can’t name a mattress line after you, Snuggle.  We don’t do that and besides you’ve only been here a week.”

Snuggle: “But none of these mattresses are as soft as me!”

Mark: “Snuggle, if you don’t like any of our mattresses, why do you want to name yourself after one of our lines?”

Snuggle: “Once people lay on me, they won’t care what name is on the label.”

Mark: “…Wait.  I’m confused here. We’re talking about mattresses, right?”

Snuggle: “Do you want to lay on me, Mark?”

Mark: “What?”

Snuggle: “Come on, Mark.  You look tired.”

Mark: “Snuggle … I …  I don’t know how we got on this topic, but I’m your boss and this really isn’t appropriate.”

Snuggle: “Touch my fur.”

Mark: “Snuggle”

Snuggle: “Touch. My. Fur.”

Mark: “Th..”

Snuggle: “touchmyfurtouchmyfurtouchmyfur”

~

Computer Hardware Engineer

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 IBM interview–

Supervisor John: “So what kind of engineering experience have you had, Mr. Bear.”

Snuggle: “I have less static cling.”

John checks his notes

John: “Mr. Snuggle Bear, correct?”

Snuggle: “Weeeee! that’s me!”

John: “I need you to leave.”

~

Cashier at Wendy’s

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1978 Wendy’s job interview–

Snuggle: “I hear your hamburgers are cuddle fresh.”

Assistant Manager Rick:  “Umm, we use fresh ground beef for our..”

Snuggle: “So your burgers are cuddle fresh.”

Rick: “I don’t know what you mean by cuddle..”

Snuggle: “They’re cuddle fresh. Great. I’ll take the job.”

Rick: “We didn’t even start the interview yet.”

–Snuggle’s first day of work at Wendy’s–

Snuggle: “weeeeeeeee!  I’m so excited to be here Rick!”

Rick: “Try to keep your voice down when there are customers in..”

Snuggle: “Where do I make the cuddle fresh burgers!?”

Rick: “You’ll be working up front at the..”

Snuggle throws himself on the pile of meat patties by the grill, rolling around and sniffing furiously

Snuggle: “FUCK I SMELL LIKE MEAT”

~

Phone Sex Operator

Snuggle: “Hi! We’re the phone sex line that’s really less expensive.”

Customer: “Tell me what you’re wearing.”

Snuggle: “I’m a bear, so I’m not wearing anything.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re a bit hairy huh?  I like that in a man.”

Snuggle: “I’m a bear.”

Customer: “… Umm, how do you feel, Mr. Bear.”

Snuggle: “I’m cuddly soft!”

Customer: “But I bet you’re getting pretty hard.”

Snuggle: “… … … No.  I’m soft.”

Customer: “What kind of sex line is this?”

Snuggle: “We’re really less expensive!”

~

Circus Performer

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1981 interview with Ringling Brothers Circus–

Snuggle: “Do I have to wear these chains.”

Ring Leader Drew: “You’re a bear.”

Snuggle: “Ok, but when I do the show I want to enter the ring by flying over the audience by parachute so I can yell ‘weeeeeeeeeeeeee’ all the way down.”

Drew: “You’re a bear.”

Snuggle: “And then I want to run up and down the aisles so all the kids can touch me and rub me and tell me how soft I am.”

Drew: “…”

Snuggle: “And then I want to spray perfume on the audience and sing and dance and have time for all the kids to come down and smell and perfume and get cuddles and…”

Drew: “You’ll be in a cage in the certain of the arena.  The audience can take pictures of you snarling at the bars for a few minutes and then I walk in and hit you with a stool.”

Snuggle: “These chains are hurting my fur.”

Drew: “A stool and a whip.”

~