Taylor Swift’s decision to have Kanye West grab the microphone from her at last night’s Video Music Awards (VMAs) was a brilliant piece of guerrilla marketing. Everything from Kanye West’s comment when he took the mic to his apology later on his blog should guarantee that Taylor Swift sells about three million more albums.

I admit that I didn’t think Swift had it in her. Kanye West’s involvement wasn’t surprising because he will do anything as long as you tell him someone might have a camera. It’s sad to think about all the things we’ve missed Kanye do because no one pressed record in time or the lighting in the panda enclosure wasn’t adequate.

Why was this such a great plan by Taylor Swift?

Kanye West Is Black

It’s hard to tell because he’s wearing sunglasses in the video, but Kanye West is black. This is only important because Taylor Swift is a country singer, which almost guarantees that half her audience still thinks that black people harvest cotton.

If I was Kanye, I never would have agreed to such a risky stunt. Again, West was wearing sunglasses, so there’s a chance he thought Taylor Swift was Pink. Pink would have been a safer target because it’s hard to have your fan base revolt when most are between sex-change operations.

It will take Swift’s fans a few days to figure out what happened since Popeyes restaurants aren’t equipped with televisions, but the backlash will be severe. Most of Taylor Swift’s fans already have a few copies of her album because it’s easy for a Walkman to fall in a press from time to time, but they’ll need many more copies to properly fill the Kanye West beatin’ sacks.

Beyonce Is Black

Kanye West could have said that any of the artists on the list had a better video than Taylor Swift’s, but he had to go with Beyonce. Taylor must have been pleased by this because it only compounded the black variable, and now Swift’s fans will be even more enraged because they know that there’s more than one black person on TV.

Swift’s fans will think that things are closing in around them. “Soon they’ll be everywhere,” they’ll say. “The laundromat, Butch’s bar, …the laundromat.  Quick! Let me see the tag on your undershirt!  CHINA?!?!  NOOOOOO.”

Every Musician And Celebrity Already Hates Kanye West

I’ve been browsing the Internet looking at reactions to Kanye West’s VMA stunt, and I was surprised to see how many people actively hate Kanye West. It’s like some of these people have been waiting for Kanye to screw up in a way that makes it popular to openly say the worst shit imaginable about him.

TMZ.com, a website that’s usually only good for justifying mass-genocide to a jury, has a surprising list of celebrities who hate the fuck out of Kanye West and finally had an excuse to speak out.

One such “celebrity” is Wolf from American Gladiators. According to TMZ,

Moments after Kanye pulled that d-bag move on Taylor Swift at last night’s MTV VMAs, Wolf — who’s a pretty big name in the rodeo circuit — fired off the following letter to TMZ:

“Hey this is Hollywood Yates or WOLF from American Gladiators.

Just thought Kanye might want to know I hang with alot of the Country Artist and I will bump into him somewhere… HARD and several times!!! He is an ass and needs taken down, maybe Criss B can be there too. School is about to open and lessons about to be taught!

Ya’ll Take care! Hollywood/WOLF

There are a couple important things to note about that letter. The first is that WOLF, or Hollywood Yates (Do his friends call him Hollywood or just stick with Jackass), is in a rodeo circuit. I was hoping that society had reached a point were rodeos no longer had circuits, but maybe this is a special circuit for guys with names like “WOLF” and “FLAPJACK PETE.” Either way, I bet I know what kind of music they play at these events.

I like how the rest of the letter is a death threat to Kanye West but since this guy WOLF is a gladiator he used the word “bump” instead of “bludgeon,” so we’re not sure if WOLF is planning on tackling Kanye during Atlasphere or crushing his skull with a brick.

I'm going to "bump" into Kanye West so "the judge" deducts "points" from his "score." I just need to load my gun.

My favorite celebrity hate letter to Kanye West comes from Kelly Clarkson. Well, TMZ claims it’s from Kelly Clarkson, but the letter is linked from some back-alley Wordpress blog from the author “iamkelly.” So it’s probably totally legit.

Dear Kayne,

What happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough?? Something must have happened to make you this way and I think we’re all just curious as to what would make a grown man go on national television and make a talented artist, let alone teenager, feel like sh*t.

I mean, I’ve seen you do some pretty shitty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways. It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you. I like everyone. I even like my asshole ex that cheated on me over you which is pretty odd since I don’t even personally know you. The best part of this evening is that you weren’t even up for THIS award and yet you still have a problem with the outcome. Is winning a moon man that much of a life goal?? You can have mine if it will shut you up. Is it that important, really??

I was actually nominated in the same category that Taylor won and I was excited for her … so why can’t you be?? I’m not even mad at you for being an asshole … I just pity you because you’re a sad human being.

On a side note, Beyonce has always been a class act and proved again tonight that she still is. Go TEXAS!!

Taylor Swift, you outsell him …that’s why he’s bitter. You know I love your work! Keep it up girl!

KC

She addressed the letter to Kanye and not “Mr. West”; she definitely knows him personally. We have to remember that this letter comes from someone who spends her spare time saving dogs and manufacturing rainbows in her sparkle sunshine cavern. So my only theory for all this hate is that Kanye wouldn’t have sex with her.

This open celebrity backlash against Kanye West helps Taylor Swift even more. If Swift had enlisted the help of a lovable black celebrity like Gary Coleman or Sidney Poitier, the comments from celebrities and musicians wouldn’t be this severe. The severity of these comments ensures that people will take the comments seriously and rush out to buy Taylor Swift albums in support.

Conclusion

I don’t think Taylor Swift could have orchestrated this better. Her album sales will skyrocket and, for once, everyone knows her name — even the people who enjoy listening to music.

There were other ways to do it, but Kanye West was the best choice. Taylor Swift could have had someone like Perez Hilton run up on stage, but I don’t think that would have been very believable. Besides, Perez Hilton was probably busy getting sodomized; it was a Sunday.