Several tech blogs are reporting on Microsoft’s Windows 7 launch strategy of encouraging individuals to throw “house parties” in return for a free copy of Windows 7. Basically, these house parties involve people inviting a bunch of friends over to sit around a computer and learn how to use the new Windows. The videos on the House Party website depict a bunch of happy, ethnically mixed people huddled around laptops eating slices of cheese and laughing. It’s like spying on some terrible future where Microsoft controls the world and has replaced everything fun with Windows tutorials about the start menu.

Party hosts can choose from four themes: Setting Up With Ease, Family Friendly Fun, Media Mania, or PhotoPalooza. I watched the “host help videos” for each theme; I knew that Setting Up With Ease and Family Friendly Fun wouldn’t include anything entertaining, but I was dismayed to find that Media Mania and PhotoPalooza were absent of both video games and pornography.

That brings me to my point — parties are associated with fun, but the severely fake marketing videos for the event make me think that there is nothing fun about learning how to use Windows 7.

The Evidence

The “host help” videos on the House Party website are unsettling. I have a rule that if numerous people who are more attractive than me are sitting around a laptop, it’s a trap. There’s nothing that multiple attractive people could do on the computer that’s better than their everyday lives, unless Windows 7 has some mode that can turn the screen into a mirror.

Microsoft told them that the screen's glow was just as effective as a tanning bed

These models in the host help videos are also constantly laughing and smiling. The amount of laughter at an event that is basically a Windows 7 tutorial is strange. I don’t remember laughing that much when I had to learn about my TV remote. And attractive people would never smile that much because it causes wrinkles. If an attractive person ever smiles at you, you’re about to have sex or put the person in charge of a regional branch.

"HAHAHAHA Crtl, Alt, Delete INDEED."

And what’s with the camera-work? The camera-person takes great care to ensure there are dozens of shots of the food being passed around and eaten. What’s wrong with the food? Is the host expected to drug the food? Perhaps further instructions and doses of pharmaceuticals are supplied in the party pack.

Grapes are a good choice because their skin naturally hides needle marks.

I also found some knocks at the competition in these videos. It can’t be good to use negative advertising in a video that is supposed to simulate an organic user experience. Although, anyone gathering for a Windows 7 house party probably refuses to even eat apples.

The oddest thing about these videos is the amount of different ages and races who are attending each of these house parties. Microsoft is telling us that learning about Windows 7 is so enjoyable that it can bring people together who would normally only interact on the set of “Independence Day.”

The white guy with the glasses came with the computer.

Conclusion

From what I’ve read, the public opinion on these house parties doesn’t seem to be that great. I think this mostly has to do with the disingenuous videos that Microsoft had House Party put out for the event. Based on how overly positive and fantastical these videos are, I’m expecting that every house party will include ten minutes of making icons transparent before a robot resembling Bill Gates pops out of the screen and sodomizes the entire room.

I see a lot of fuss around the web about Microsoft’s photoshoped race switch in an ad targeting Poland. The original US ad had an asian man, a black man, and a white woman. The photoshop edit removed the head of the black man and replaced it with the head of a white guy.

To be fair, this fuss is justified. But the people who should be most offended are the Polish.

Based on the quality of the ad tweak, Microsoft can’t have a very high opinion of Poland or the Polish. How’d the conversation go when someone at Microsoft made the call to edit the original ad?

Grunt: “Sir, we need to get this ad to graphic design. It’s for a mostly white region and there’s one too many black guys in it.

Guy In Suit: “One too many black guys?  Jesus Christ. Jjeeeeessssus H Christ. Jesus Mary and Fucking Joseph. Jesus Corncob Christ. Jesus Bartholomew Chri..”

Grunt: “Sir?”

GIS: “Right. Good find, my boy. I’ll put the order in right away. What market is this ad for?”

Grunt: “Poland, Sir.”

GIS: “Poland?”

Grunt: “Yes, Sir.”

GIS: “Just give me it. I’ll have my son work on it in the other room. He’s only four months old, but he’s got amazing dexterity in a couple of his fingers. Ha! Poland. Classic.”

Microsoft didn’t even bother to change the black guy’s hands.

Ok, black guy with black hands. Check.

Ok, white guy with OH MY GOD

I hope the Polish writing in the second ad reads — “Mike burnt his hands taking his fried chicken out of the oven. A white guy, eating fried chicken? What could be more racially neutral? Microsoft: Empower Your People”

But, based on Microsoft’s obvious low opinion of the Polish intellect, it probably reads — “Computers are hard. Keys go click. Mice go squeak click. Money=Computers. Computers=Money. Microsoft: Go Play With Blocks.”

Some people are defending Microsoft by saying that Microsoft left the asian guy in the ad. Of course Microsoft left the asian guy in the ad. The Polish, in Microsoft’s eyes, will see that the people in the ad are dealing with numbers and complicated electronical whirly-doodles, and they’ll expect an asian who’s biologically good with numbers to be somewhere in the room. The whole point of taking the black guy out was so the Polish didn’t see the ad and assume it was about basketball.

But my favorite part about this ad has nothing to do with the poor photoshop job. It’s how in both the US and the Poland versions, the woman’s monitor isn’t even hooked to anything. This shows that displaying women as smiley-faced idiots reads in any region. We can only assume that both the guys are smiling because the lady is having so much fun waving that little device around while making beeping noises. Or she’s showing them slides of her American Girl doll collection.