You probably already know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of physically shifting the temporal landscape, making otherwise horrible events like commuting to work and working at work enjoyable ..by turning them French. And I’m sure you’ve heard about the clinical studies done with the blind and McDonald’s McCafe coffee that finally debunk the myth that blind people can’t drink from straws.

But did you know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of improving a variety of other things?

Bee stings

When applied to a fresh bee-sting, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is able to neutralize the venom and reduce the swelling of the affected area. One side affect is that the McCafe will eventually dry into a sugary layer, attracting more bees with stingers.

Cancer

Though never proven as an effective cancer treatment, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is French and France’s health care system has won a bunch of awards.

Dieting

McCafe coffee, while not necessarily a diet food, has been reported to cause weight-loss in individuals put on an all McCafe diet. Unfortunately this weight-loss is always followed by death.

Cycling

In all tests, cyclists who hydrated with McCafe coffee before a big race ranked higher in the final standings than cyclists forced to hydrate with McDonald’s McCafe coffee during the race.

Drug Rehabilitation

Studies have shown that addicts given McDonalds McCafe coffee three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, were less likely to fall back into their old drug habits. Work is still being done to determine the correlation of an increased violent-crime rate among these affectionately named McAddicts.

Driving

Drivers drinking McDonald’s McCafe coffee are less likely to have a fatal collision.  However, these drivers are more likely to beep their horns behind people in line at McDonald’s drive-throughs, try to barter down the price of gas at gas stations, and only buy music from celebrity artists who have recently died.