I have to hand it to Jon Gosselin; I had no idea who he was until the Internet wrote about him. I’ve never watched his show or done any research on him, but I already know that he has a bunch of kids, split with the kids’ mom, likes to party, and is trying to milk this “people like my TV show about those kids that I had” thing as much as possible.

And he seems to be doing a pretty good job. I know nothing about him but because of his ability to “assholeify” himself, I can’t help but pick up little nuggets of knowledge.

For example, I was just reading Google News, a place on the Internet that I assumed dealt in reports about important world events. and learned that Jon Gosselin thinks his ex-wife Kate stole his wedding ring. This guy is some kind of marketing mastermind.

What do you do when you have no talent, creativity, or desirable qualities that other people can appreciate? You market the shit out of yourself. I bet some of you are saying, “But Bryan! How do I market myself if there’s nothing about myself worth marketing?” That’s easy — Cause a high-drama situation.

A high-drama situation takes the focus off of you and puts it on the situation. No one cares about Jon Gosselin the person, which is why I’m writing about how Kate maybe possibly could have stole his wedding ring and not about how Jon claims that he was emotionally abused for ten years, so abused that now he can’t even select clothing that doesn’t make him look like schmuck.

These high-drama situations have previously worked for Jon Gosselin. He started off big by having eight kids, seven and a half more kids than is usually needed to cause drama. After this drama netted him a TV show, he continued by splitting with the kids’ mother. Finally, he decided to “party” as much as possible, an open-ended form of high-drama that makes people think that anything crazy could happen. Jon could get some girl so drunk at a party that she has eight kids, based on what little I know about alcohol and fertility.

But all that stuff is wearing thin, so in an interview with Good Morning America, Jon accused Kate of stealing his wedding ring. The ring story was a good move by Jon because it’s not only a high-drama situation, but it’s also a story that can’t be proved true or false. It’s a mystery, and the American people love a good mystery. Right now, there are people across the country gathering magazine clippings and screen-caps of Jon wearing the wedding ring and not wearing the wedding ring. These pictures will go up on cork board so the exact date the ring went missing can be calculated. A separate wall will house pictures of Kate looking at Jon’s ring. Pictures of her thinking, plotting. Could she do it?  Would she do it? That sneaky bitch.

But Who Took It?

Who took the ring isn’t really important. It probably fell off in some stripper’s vagina or Jon made room for it in his safe-deposit box after throwing away his self-respect. In the Good Morning America interview, Jon says that, “Kate’s the only person who could have taken it.” But if people really want to investigate the missing ring, Kate Gosselin shouldn’t be the only suspect. By my count, there are eight other people who had the access, motive, and naive blinky-eyed curiosity that touching Jon Gosselin requires.

What is important is that the ring story guarantees that people will be talking about what an asshole Jon Gosselin is for a while. When this ring story runs its course, I suspect that Jon has more tricks up his sleeve. Look forward to accusations that Kate Gosselin stole a box of hot-pockets out of the freezer that Jon planned to eat on all fours in the basement. And what happened to that bottle of after-shave that Jon had under the sink?  What happened indeed.

I recently read a strange press release from the makers of Nude Vodka, a vodka that I’m assuming comes wrapped in air instead of a bottle. Or maybe most bottles of vodka ship wearing trousers? I obviously don’t drink much vodka.

Anyway, this press release was written by a very excited Nude Vodka team to announce that Hall of Fame Quarterback John Elway will join the Nude Spirits Advisory Board.

The strange thing about this press release is that football doesn’t really have anything to do with vodka, unless we are talking about “Russian football” also called “Slavonic Ice Ball.” John Elway is a successful business owner, and that’s mentioned in the press release,  but the eye-catching title stresses that Elway completed a lot of passes.

If I was the head of Nude Spirits, I never would have released a press release announcing that John Elway the quarterback was joining my company. I’d be too worried that investors would see the press release and think I duped them.

Investor: “Hall of fame quarterback John Elway? They told me this company sold vodka. I CAN’T GO BACK TO GAMBLING ON SPORTS.”

I’d also be worried that people would think my company just hired some famous football player to use his name while they pay him to sit around drunk all day, making impossible trashcan-trickshots with rolled up pieces of printer paper.

But the damage is already done. The press release is already out there. Nude Vodka has no choice but to play up this superbowl-winning-quarterback thing. They could start by putting up some big John Elway billboards.

Is anyone else getting thirsty?

No wonder he's in the hall of fame.

The next thing Nude Spirits needs to do is throw some charity event. Elway needs to get drunk and see if he can put a football through a tire swing for Feline Leukemia or something. If he misses, Nude Spirits can come out with another press release about how John Elway didn’t even know he was drunk because Nude Vodka goes down so smooth.

For Nude Spirits’s sake, I hope this isn’t the start of them hiring an assortment of retired celebrities to come work on Nude Vodka. I’m not saying that Mike Tyson and Randy “Macho Man” Savage don’t know anything about vodka, because, let’s face it, they must. But a drunk John Elway throwing bottles of Nude Vodka to an equally drunk Randy Savage while a weeping Mike Tyson punches the crushed-lava-rock machine can’t be good for business.

There is one group that “Dancing With the Stars” has yet to addict to the show’s irresistible blend of dancing and washed-up celebrity. With the addition of Tom Delay, “Dancing With The Stars” hopes to finally reach America’s largely untapped criminal population.

Tom Delay should prove popular with both convicted convicts and accused criminals awaiting trial. Now all “Dancing With the Stars” has to do is market Tom Delay correctly. Here are a couple ideas to get them started.

Outfit

Criminals aren’t going to recognize Tom Delay as one of their own unless “Dancing With the Stars” makes it clear that Delay belongs behind bars. At first, I was going to suggest that Delay join a popular American gang like The Bloods or The Crips, but doing so would probably unite both gangs in their fervor to kill him. And a deceased Tom Delay can only be marketed to the deceased people, a group that traditionally doesn’t dance, watch TV. or breathe.

I think it’s safer if Delay’s outfit lets people know that he’s a criminal but doesn’t offend any criminals convicted of violent crimes as opposed to Delay’s white collar or “pussy” crime. And it’d be nice if this outfit also had something to do with dance. Given these factors, I suggest Elvis’s outfit from Jailhouse Rock.

Tom Delay on Dancing With the Stars

The only negative thing about a a prison-uniform outfit is that Tom will have to wear it in every dance.

“Dancing With the Stars” should also outfit Tom Delay with some kind of face or neck tattoo. It will be tempting for “Dancing With the Stars” to go cheap with a temporary tat, but I can’t stress the marketing importance of making everything seem as genuine as possible. Delay’s new tattoo should be real and permanent. It should be something that has to do with criminal life, but it shouldn’t be too tough because “harder” criminals will see right through a bloody syringe or a cauldron full of infants. I suggest the McDonald’s Hamburglar holding a bag of money.

The cape should flow nicely with Delay's jawline.

Dancing

To help people in lock-up relate to Tom Delay’s dancing, each dance should be performed in an eight foot by twelve foot area to simulate the amount of space available in a typical prison cell. If imprisoned criminals can’t perform Tom Delay’s dances at home, they’ll stop watching “Dancing With the Stars” and go back to making kidney-picks out of toothbrushes.

I’m not very familiar with prison dances, but if Delay can work in some push ups or weightlifting, it will probably only help. I also suggest that Tom Delay be paired up with a male dancer to simulate the type of dance partner available in prison. Delay should also make this dance partner his “bitch” with “dance rape.” The “dance rape” will have to be fake, real rape obviously won’t go over well with most advertisers. (Note: Dancing with the Stars could try signing up some pro-rape advertisers, but they all might be busy creating ads for the Glenn Beck show.) If nothing else, this simulated rape dancing will provide Tom Delay with some practice for the future.

Attitude

This should come naturally for Tom. All he has to do is act like a total asshole to anyone who questions his dancing, his neck tattoo, the positions he chooses for “dance rape,” or his theories on evolution. It’s most important that Delay is as belligerent as possible to the judges as most criminals despise judges.

"Forget the Death Tax. All you goddamn judges want to do is hit me with a fucking Dance Tax."

Since Tom Delay doesn’t look like a traditionally tough criminal, it might be beneficial for “Dancing With the Stars” to choreograph some stunt for Delay to up his street cred. Looking at the upcoming roster, Delay might be able to best Melissa Joan Hart or Aaron Carter in a fair fight, but we don’t want to take any chances that Delay will starting to crying and ranting about health care after taking a punch. For these reasons, I suggest the Delay “shank” either Chuck Liddel or Macy Gray. Both can take a stabbing in stride, and the incident will prove to all the convicts watching that Tom Delay is the real deal.

Conclusion

If “Dancing With the Stars” markets him correctly, they can successfully use Tom Delay to reach a traditionally unreachable part of the population. If Tom Delay plays his cards right, he could have a meaningful future teaching convicts how to win at “dance rape.”

Electronic Arts wasn’t very savvy this past week with their Dante’s Inferno “Sin to Win” ad. For my reader(s) who aren’t familiar with this ad, here’s some background from Adland and Ars Technica.

Basically, EA released an ad/contest for their upcoming Dante’s Inferno video game that read like it encouraged mobs of geeks to sexually plunder booth babes at Comic-Con and then take pictures. The person with the best picture then won a “sinful” night out with two booth babes and a “chest full of booty.” I’m not sure how it’s possible for a girl to get her booty all the way up to her chest, but with enough Pilates maybe anything is possible.

After enough backlash, EA released an apology stating that the ad was poorly worded. But if this “Sin to Win” ad was the one EA settled on, how bad were the other ad pitches?  Here are five ideas.

The Blatantly Sexual

The Incorrect Movie Tie-In

The Free Branded Product

The Play On Hell

The Right To The Point

Capitalizing on the “Green” advertising revolution is currently a popular trend. By properly using buzz-words like “eco,” “Green,” “drinkable water,” and “the sun,” it’s possible to get environmentally-concerned people excited about a variety of products.

I’ve been observing “Green” advertising for a while, and I put together some tips for that company unsure about taking advantage of this highly profitable type of marketing.

Use Those Quotation Marks

Did you notice how I put “Green” in quotation marks up there? This is the most important rule for a new “Green” ad campaign to follow. Putting “Green” in quotes has a couple benefits. The first benefit is that it shows people that “Green” is a reference to the environmental movement and not the last name of some football player. Secondly, quotation marks make the word “Green” look like it’s sweating from the pure heat of the sun. And things that spend more time in the sun are automatically better than something that spends all his time indoors hunched over a keyboard listening to Our Lady Peace while his lifeguard neighbor has a car, slender calves, and a 401k.

Work In The Color Green

This might be hard for companies selling products that aren’t already colored green, but studies have shown that a green-colored product combined with environmental slang can skyrocket sales. For example, if your company sells lettuce, slapping “Green” on a lettuce ad might sell consumers who initially planned to just find a field full of grass.

Let’s try a visual example using a popular American product — Coke

Here’s how effective a Coke ad is with just the word “Green” added

Open The Rainforest

I don’t know about you, but I feel like drinking an entire ocean full of Coke. Coke needs to drain the Atlantic and then refill it with Coke. Based on the above ad, I’m convinced that an ocean full of Coke is the ideal environment for sea life.

Now here’s a coke ad with both the word “Green” and the color green.

Open THE EARTH

Incredible. I think we just reincarnated the Dodo. For my readers who don’t believe in reincarnation — Jesus drank a bunch of coke and decided to give the Dodo another shot.

Flaunt The Use Of Natural Ingredients

Environmentalists love products that use natural ingredients. Unfortunately, not many companies stress this in their advertising.

If you can answer “yes” to the following question, the product you produce already contains a natural ingredient.

1). At any time during the manufacturing of your product does your product come in contact with the air?

If you answered “yes,” you’re ready to go. Boom. Done. Slap a “this product contains natural ingredient(s)” sticker on your ad so people think you save polar bears or use honeysuckle fronds or something.

Some people might think that listing air as a natural ingredient is cheating. Look, if you feel this way, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to make stuff from natural ingredients. Ever try making a microwave out of bear-claws? First I tried real bear-claws, but the few that broke off in my torso after repeated harvesting attempts were no where near enough to construct a microwave. And do you know what a microwave made out of bear-claw pastries is? It’s a pile of pastries with the bowl of soup I tried to heat up wedged in the middle.

Don’t Forget Recycled Materials

Another great tip for successful “Green” advertising is to use recycled materials in your product or product’s packaging. “Green” conscious consumers love using recycled objects. There are some places in the country where you can drop a used Q-tip and someone will snatch it up before it even touches the ground. Please don’t try this with Q-Tip the rapper, as the results are completely different.

I have a billion-dollar idea that involves recycling used condoms into packaging and raw latex. The way I figure it, most of the semen will engineer away when whatever company turns the recycled latex into bread bags or baby shoes or toothbrush bristles. I haven’t crunched the numbers, but most of the STDs should die in the manufacturing process.

Impregnate your teeth with whiteness

It is possible a “recycled material” strategy to backfire. I think we all remember the failure of Pepsi’s Summer Mix. Consumers quickly caught on that Pepsi was just sweeping all their spilt cola into the vat marked “Summer Mix.” Most people won’t trust something that is 100% recycled, and, in Pepsi’s case, no one trusts something that tastes 100% recycled.

Conclusion

“Green” marketing is an exciting chance for companies to sell more products and please more consumers. If the above steps are followed, there’s no reason your sales won’t double or triple. If you use the above techniques and your sales quadruple, one of your employees made a deal with the devil. Find and kill that employee.

A big story on the Internets is Jamba Juice’s blatant theft of cartoonist David Rees’s intellectual property, intellectual property that Jamba Juice used as a foundation for their new “Cubicle Picnic” cartoon ad. The accusation is that Jamba Juice copied the clip-art comic style of David Rees that David used in the popular Get Your War On comic. And Jamba Juice did this without paying Rees or even offering him a coupon for juice.

Since I create my own hand-typed gibberish on the Internet, I can appreciate how Rees must feel as he watches something he created get taken and whored out to sell juice. But if I were in David’s shoes, I think I would be relieved at how poorly Jamba Juice applied their stolen ad idea. Rees’s cartoons are smart and funny, something you’d think Jamba Juice could also accomplish after stealing a funny foundation — all they had to do was add a couple jokes and not fumble it up. But, you know, they sell juice. And they call this juice “Jamba” juice. So what they churned out is pretty much as expected.

The “Idea”

I put idea in quotes because now that Jamba Juice has been caught stealing someone else’s idea, everything they do or say is probably also someone else’s idea. Was the idea to sell juice products to malnourished hippies even original? There’s probably a guy named Kevin Jamba living on the streets of San Fransisco with a crate of fruit on his back and a revenge list in his hand.

Jamba Juice could have stolen the idea for the plot of “Cubicle Picnic” from anyone, but one thing is clear — the person they stole it from is probably dead because it’s the most depressing idea ever. Here’s a quick quiz.

1). Which is more depressing?

A. Smashing a bottle of chlorine on a baby seal

B. Trying to print out your fake beach-cubicle-window poster only to find out that the office printer only prints in black and white ink because you work IN A FUCKING OFFICE

If you answered A., you’re probably a marine biologist.

The “Humor”

I put humor in quotes because, having not yet stolen enough humor from funny people to understand its definition, Jamba Juice considers anything funny. Here’s a Jamba Juice knock-knock joke.

Jamba Juice: “Knock-Knock”

Person Who Doesn’t Realize You Can Buy Entire Gallons Of Juice At The Grocery Store For Less Money: “I’d like a juice smoothie with extra juice.”

Jamba Juice: “KNOCK-KNOCK”

Person: “…who’s there?  Is this some kind of contest?”

Jamba Juice: “Cubicle”

Person: “The couple wearing beads and having sex in the parking lot said I could buy juice here.”

Jamba Juice: “CUBICLE”

Person: “cubicle who?”

Jamba Juice: “CUBICLE PICNIC HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Person: “..ok, but I’d really lik..”

Jamba Juice: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

HAHAHAHAHA I'M CRYING SO MUCH FROM LAUGHING THAT I MIGHT DEHYDRATE. QUICK! SOMEONE SELL ME JUICE.

The only funny part of the “Cubicle Picnic” ad is how Jamba Juice took extra care to shade one of the clip-art characters a sickly gray color. I’m guessing this is supposed to indicate that this character is African American or a zombie ..or a vampire. Actually, if that character was a zombie or a vampire, the ad would make sense.

Is That A Typo?

Let’s review. The idea for the ad’s framework was stolen, the idea is terrible, and there’s nothing at all funny in the ad even with a stolen framework that’s inherently funny and has been proven funny time after time after time after time. I might be nitpicking here with this last one, but does it really matter at this point?

At the start of “Cubicle Picnic, ” the non-zombified character is addressed as “Frank” and the zombie is addressed as “Bob.” In the middle of the ad, Zombie Bob addresses Frank as Bob. Now, with the interpretation that Zombie Bob is gray because he is actually a zombie, then this kind of makes sense — Zombie Bob is so confused during his transformation that his half-zombie, half-human brain stutters a bit during the conversation.

But we all know this isn’t the case because if Jamba Juice was creative enough to design a zombie character for an advertisement, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

Therefore, there are only two other scenarios:

I). Jamba Juice couldn’t figure out how to steal the skills of a proofreader without physically kidnapping a proofreader.

II). After consuming only juice for the entire ad creation process, the ad agency responsible was unable to coherently hash together a 15 second flash advertisement.

Conclusion

In the end, it really sucks that Jamba Juice stole David Rees’s idea and then used that idea in a shitty flash ad, but the support from David’s fans must mean a lot. And Jamba Juice didn’t pull off some totally badass, hilarious advertisement, proving again that some people are meant to be creative and funny and others are meant to, well, sell juice.

In a classy move, Sprint waits an entire five days before sending out a press-release that brags about how well their 3G network handled Michael Jackson’s death. To be fair, the ambulance company that transported Jackson to the hospital forced Sprint’s hand with a competing press-release titled “The Ambulance Company Michael Jackson Could Depend On Even If Things Didn’t Turn Out The Greatest.”

Sprint, obviously heartbroken over the singer’s death, but able to squeeze some alliteration in to their press-release’s title through the tears, stated that “Through it all, Sprint’s 3G network – America’s most dependable – stood firm and strong.”

Is this really the road we want to go down here, Sprint? Through it all? Let’s see the video of everyone at Sprint headquarters holding candles and listening to a muffled loop of “Thriller.” Be sure to cut right before showing the bank of wall-mounted LCDS displaying the sky-rocketing sales figures.

The press-release wouldn’t be so bad if Sprint didn’t come off as some rock-solid entity trying to fill the void left by Jackson’s death. The phrases “Thanks to Sprint’s steady and strong Now Network,” “stood firm and strong,” and “The songs are transferred over the air quickly and reliably,” are code for “Jackson went and died on you, but Sprint’s powerful, dependable, awesome 3G network will never die, will never leave you. Our crystal-clear 3G network probably sounds better than a live Michael Jackson concert, which, by the way, there won’t be any more of. And even if there were, Jackson’s concerts weren’t anywhere near as affordable as our 3G service.”

Stay-tuned for Sprint’s next press-release about unstoppable network uptime during Jackson’s funeral service.