Pedophilia isn’t a very popular topic. If you try bringing it up while standing in line at the bank or at the next baby shower you attend, you’ll see what I mean. I always thought it was a pretty major concern and high on the radar of most adults. But apparently some people still haven’t been educated enough about pedophilia, so the rest of us have to deal with anti-pedophilia advertising.

"That's right, Peter. Now pop it in reverse."

I like how the ad starts off with a kid on the carpet pushing a little truck and ends with him giving a blow job. Talk about a twist. Did M. Night Shyamalan make these ads?

This kid must be some kind of honor student because I couldn’t play with a toy truck and go down on some dude at the same time. I have a hard enough time checking emails while listening to music; my concentration is always flipping from one to the other.

Do you think that guy purchased that office chair just for this particular situation? It must have been difficult to tell the store clerk exactly what he wanted without giving everything away:

“I need a chair that I can roll into a room really quick and then roll out again if I hear Peter’s mo…  Peter’s Mortgage calling. That’s the company I work for — Peter’s Mortgage. Also, do you have any chairs that lower down to the height of a …. .. of a small dog, so I can easily pet him while I do my work. My work for Peter’s Mortgage.”

"Now do a grand plié."

No wonder Annie is a afraid of the dark — look at all those terrifying stuffed animals bubbling out of her dresser. Why are they climbing out of the drawers like that? It’s an infestation. Speaking of the stuffed animals, do you think the Winnie the Pooh people paid a little coin to appear in this ad? It seems like a risky gamble because it could make people identify Winnie the Pooh with pedophilia, but that Christopher Robin character already wasn’t helping that situation. Why do you think Eeyore’s so sad all the time? I bet Christopher Robin knows why Eeyore’s tail keeps “falling” off.

And who was that silhouette model? From where I’m sitting, it looks a little like Jakob Dylan from The Wallflowers. I’m not saying that Jakob Dylan is a pedophile, but he must be doing something to deal with the stress of sucking more than his 70 year old father.

The Penguin tried every trick in the book, but the little girl wouldn't give up the location of Batman

I don’t really understand the copy in these ads — “turn off the lights and help Emily overcome her fear of the dark.” That sounds like a terrible idea. These kids are obviously being molested by glow-in-the-dark apparitions of some sort, isn’t turning off the lights just asking for trouble?

Doctor: “Yeah, just snap off the lights. She’ll scream for a while, but eventually she’ll run out of energy and pass out. After a couple nights of that, her vocal chords will be too ravaged to produce any noise, so you should be able to get some sleep.

Parents: “….that sounds horrible.”

Doctor: “Horrible? Now that’s interesting. I never thought of it like that.”

~Thanks Hooked On Ads

This post on Ugly Doggy introduced me to one of my favorite recent ad campaigns. These ads for Play-Doh feature meticulously sculpted instruments of death with the tag line “safe no matter what you make.” The idea is that your kid can sculpt any kind of horrible death implement, but it won’t kill him because it’s made out of Play-Doh. In my opinion, anyone who can sculpt a chainsaw with that much detail deserves to have it work. I used to play with Play-Doh as a kid, but play sessions lasted all of ten minutes before I couldn’t realize my grand vision, got frustrated, and went to play video games.

The question I have is about the target audience for these ads. Who is Play-Doh trying to reach? In my eyes, the ads featuring the chainsaw and cleaver target the “normal” audience and the ads featuring the pills and the razor target the “crazy” audience.

Normal

When I was little, I used to make simple weapons out of Play-Doh after watching “Predator” or something. I would have made a chainsaw to use against Skeleator, but, like I mentioned above, my Play-Doh skill stopped at “fashion piece of doh into something with a point.”

I think every child who liked action movies and cartoons probably did the same thing. So I consider the chainsaw and meat cleaver in the Play-Doh ad normal, doubly so for the meat cleaver since it’s a Play-Doh staple for any gay kid dreaming of a future in the culinary arts.

For the arborist who hates writing his initials on his saw. "Mine's the one made out of play-doh."

100 percent guaranteed to stop food cross-contamination. Just crumple it up and spend an hour or so making a new one!

Crazy

I’m hoping that the kids who are spending their time constructing elaborate pill bottles out of Play-Doh are too busy to track me down over the Internet. Although, anyone who can’t get past the child-proof cap on a real pill bottle and then decides to fashion one out of colored clay probably isn’t much of a threat.

How are these kids so suicidal? Do their parents force them to watch Charlote die in Charlote’s Web over and over again?

“No, don’t close your eyes. Look at her face. Look at Wilbur’s face. Maybe she won’t die this time. If you pray really hard I bet you can save her. Come on, pray, pray Mark. PRAY FOR HER. PRAY FOR CHARLOTTE MARK. SAVE HER MARK.  Oh, wait, she’s dead.      Rewind it.”

Or maybe these ads are for really naive parents. The type of parents who are walking through some store, see the Play-Doh, and have an internal dialogue.

“Hmm, don’t know if I can trust this Play-Doh. I just gave Anne some thin sheets of steel and a belt-grinder and all she keeps making is razor blades.”

Don't be scared to eat those pills, baby. They won't make your kidneys wither like Mommy's heart meds.

Oh, going to try and kill yourself again? You made a razor-blade, huh? Tell you what, if you can successfully cut yourself with that Play-Doh razor, I'll tell you I love you before your lose consciousness.

Conclusion

What we have here is a creative ad by Play-Doh that’s meant to educate parents about the safety of the product. I think the ads could be better if the razor-blade was replaced by a gun and the bottle of pills was replaced by a grenade. These are things that kids are more likely to try and replicate after seeing them in popular culture. This would focus the campaign on “normal” kids.

Of course, this would cut out the “crazy” kids, but the effectiveness of the ad is lessened with it going in two directions. Besides, the “crazy” kids aren’t a group full of dependable long-term Play-Doh customers.