I‘ve watched the Verizon company for a while, and I’m finally ready to reveal the blatant discrimination against facial hair that’s present in many of their ad campaigns.

Some will say I’m biased because I have a lush, gorgeous beard. The lushness and gorgeousness of my beard can’t be disputed, but I’m also a loyal Verizon customer. I don’t even own a phone with 3G, but I’m still petrified of dead zones.

It’s time to blow the whistle on Verizon’s hatred of facial hair. Dirty, womanless men everywhere deserve better.

The problem

Verizon either portrays people with facial hair as stupid or evil. It’s true that wearing facial hair has a slight negative effect on the part of your brain located in the face, but tests have determined that the harm done is less than smoking half a joint. Only especially hairy hippies should be concerned.

Facial hair used to be a symbol of regal superiority. All our greatest heroes wore some type of facial hair: Ulysses S Grant, Star Fox, Heathcliff The Cat, Harriet Tubman.

"My beard killed someone for this suit."

"KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT WHILE I EJACULATE"

Verizon’s negative portrayal of people with beards and mustaches not only tramples the memory of these proud patriots but makes it impossible for anyone with a beard to ever again rise to a position of power. Look what happened to Big Al Borland and Al Gore (further research is being done to determine if the name Al had anything to do with it).

"Tim Allen took my house."

The evidence

The characters representing the Verizon company in the Verizon commercials never wear facial hair. This clean-shaven appearance is an obvious attempt to win over segments of the population who refuse to grow facial hair. like babies and fans of Dashboard Confessional. But it is also done to keep bearded or mustached individuals out of the most lucrative commercial jobs.

"My vagina is also hairless."

"My glasses are supposed to make this thumbs-up ironic."

In stark contrast, the facial-haired folk are always the flunkies in Verizon commercials. Matt McCarthy plays the bearded cable guy in the recent Verizon Fios commercials. Despite cable’s constant defeat by Fios and the cable guy’s large amount of free time, McCarthy’s character continues to work for the cable company. Verizon is either saying that bearded people are too stupid to remember the feeling of cashing a paycheck or that no organization other than cable would hire someone with facial hair. And people say that bill for AFURmative Action will die in the House.

"My beard catches the tears I cry everytime I cash a Verizon check."

Verizon is also fond of using people with facial hair in even lesser, more demeaning roles. In another Verizon Fios commercial, the Fios guy is answering user mail. He answers a letter from a lady thanking Fios for on-demand movies. The Fios guy goes on to say how the on-demand movies make it so the lady doesn’t have to wait by the mailbox for movies like some kind of…  But before he can finish his sentence, he notices a mustached gentleman standing behind him, waiting for the mail. We’ll never know what the Fios guy was going to say, but I’m guessing it was along the lines of “dirty-lipped fuckup” or “carpet-mouthed piece of shit.”

The discrimination against facial hair is also present in Verizon’s Verizon Wireless commercials. In one Verizon Wireless commercial about 3G dead zones (shudder), a scruffy tree-farm employee is about to murder an entire family, but changes his mind when he finds out they’re on the Verizon network. Real nice, Verizon. So now people with facial hair aren’t only psychotic but also indecisive.

Verizon goes and makes it worse

Verizon, no doubt feeling the pressure from this unwritten blog post, tried to fix this anti-facial hair problem in their commercials before I stopped playing Plants vs Zombies long enough get this on the site. But like true bigots, Verizon took a problem and compounded it.

There are now two Verizon Fios commercials circulating that feature African American characters who also happen to have facial hair. Great job, Verizon. In your shallow attempt to please both the African American and bearded communities, you’ve succeeded in only angering us more.

"My agent told me I just had to dribble for ten minutes."

In conclusion

I urge you to write Verizon and tell them that this injustice against facial hair will not stand. If you are unable to see a keyboard or piece of paper because your beard has grown over your eyes, try to get someone in your family to write the letter. If everyone in your family lives upstairs instead of with you in the basement, trust your mostly useless legs to carry you up the stairs. I can say without a doubt that this will be the most important thing you ever do.