Listen, ladies. Waxing your vagina is so 2001. Finding a mate is hard, especially if you’re just fighting waxed vagina with waxed vagina. What are you going to do if you aren’t that attractive or have a well-documented history of domestic abuse?

Thankfully, Jennifer Love Hewitt has brought Vajazzling into the mainstream. This practice, once only attempted by women smuggling precious jewels out of countries like Africa, involves the adhesion of sparkly things to the top of the vagina. I’m not really sure if there’s a technical term for the top of the vagina. Pleasure-less hump? I’m guessing here.

Over on The Luxary Spot, Bryce wrote an article titled “I Got Vajazzled (and had a camera crew)” about her first-hand experience getting little crystals glued to her vagina. After my initial disappointment finding out that “and had a camera crew” didn’t mean that Bryce’s shiny new vagina secured her a sexual adventure with an entire camera crew, I found out some helpful facts about Vajazzling.

The absence of power tools is reassuring

Unfortunately, I don’t think our society is making the best use of this wonderful new technology. The result of Bryce’s Vajazzling was a cute little pattern of crystals that she can now use to gather and reflect available light if her power goes out. But there is potential for much more.

Advertisement Real Estate

A little batch of crystals might convince that pickpocket to take you back to his “workshop” under the subway, but this practice of Vajazzling has the potential to turn vaginas into prime spots for advertising. Women should be trying to sign deals with innovative companies that aren’t afraid to take advertising risks.

Apple’s new iPad is about to hit the market. I think that “iPad” spelled out in crystals above a few hundred vaginas could really help get the word out about the new product. Prostitutes and strippers could make a fortune based on how many eyes pass in front of their vaginas on a daily basis.

Even Google could get in on the action. The words “Google it!” above your vagina would not only be a funny conversation piece between you and the guy you pick up at whatever bar (assuming he can read), but from that moment on, that guy would know that Google is the place to find vaginas.

For women who’d rather not sell that precious advertising space, there are plenty of ways to use Vajazzling to make a personal statement. For example. the word “Help” in crystals above a vagina ensures that every guy you meet knows the desperation of your situation.

But you could also Vajazzle things that you like. Something like “nagging the shit out of you until I whittle down your spirit into something easily crushed by my clawed hand” might be too long, but that could easily be replaced with a word more to the point like “yelling.” Other women might want to list a few of their hobbies at the top of their vaginas. Specific hobbies like “figure skating” would work really well, and, in figure skating’s case, the sparkling of the crystals would symbolize the sparkle of the ice. Be careful with hobbies that are too vague or that could be misunderstand. For example, Vajazzling the word “movies” might make potential suitors believe that pornography is required for vaginal access.

Can men get Vajazzled?

Most men can’t get Vajazzled because they don’t have vaginas. I hear that some scientists are working on technology that would allow men to graft functioning vaginas to easily accessible locations like the palms of their hands. But the science still needs years to mature and will probably mean the end of the human race.

However, I don’t see any reason why men can’t get the top of their penises Pejazzled. It would limit available partners since thrusting crystals against flesh is rarely a pleasurable experience. Pejazzled men would only be able to have sex with Vajazzled women or women with large amounts of pubic hair, since both would buffer the friction of the crystals.

Of course, some people like a little pain with their pleasure, so the sensation of sharp crystals against raw flesh might be a bonus. For couples who like a lot of pain with their pleasure, I’m sure it’s possible for women to get the inside of their vaginas Vajazzled. The resulting jagged cavern would probably feel about the same as fucking the mouth of one of those sandworms from Beetlejuice.

The good thing about men getting Pejazzled is that it would allow even more advertising options. For example, let’s say you’re a man looking for a girl that shares your taste in music. You could get the word “Blink” Pejazzled at the top of your genitals and then just search for the girl with “182″ Vajazzled. Or, if you’re into swinging and interested in having a three-way, you could get the word “Creedence” Pejazzled and look for two girls or a guy and a girl sporting “Clearwater” and “Revival,” respectively.

As you can see, this new Vajazzling technology is boundless. I always thought that genital advertising was limited to something permanent like a tattoo or something unflattering like Bedazzled denim panties. I’m so glad I was wrong.

I think I do my part to help prevent climate change. I turn off the lights in rooms I’m not in, and I stopped leaving the fridge open to cool the kitchen. But every time I think I’m doing enough to help the environment, an organization releases an advertisement about something else that’s killing the earth.

Take, for example, this recent climate change ad by the forward thinkers at Plane Stupid. The members of Plane Stupid hate planes and aviation because of the amount of pollution produced by aircraft. They decided to help us all understand their position by dropping a polar bear on a car.

Do you see what you’re doing by visiting your family in Buffalo? If you loved the gentle polar bear, you’d hitchhike to Buffalo like a good citizen of the planet. I’d tell you to bring some mace just on the off chance that some crazy serial rapist picks you up, but spraying that stuff can’t be good for the ecosystem.

If I had designed that commercial, I would have went with penguins instead of polar bears. Everyone loves penguins. A penguin would probably give you a hug and maybe bring you a fish. Polar bears tear off a person’s skin and use it as a birthing-blanket.

My version of the commercial would also be a bit more logical and on point. How did those polar bears get up in the sky? Polar bears can’t fly, so someone must have kidnapped them, loaded them on a PLANE, and then dropped them from a couple thousand feet. How much fuel does a plane full of polar bears use? I bet it uses more fuel than a plane full of people considering how huge polar bears are and how low the pilot would have to keep the air conditioner to help the bears feel at home.

~Thanks Plane Stupid

Reminisce with me for a moment. I want you to think back to those trips to the department store when you were a child. Usually those events were pretty bland.  Sears or Macy’s was a blank landscapes of clothing racks and linoleum floors washed in white florescent light. The only thing that made these childhood trips to the department store interesting was the welcome grip of fear brought on by the cold, lifeless eyes of the plotting mannequins.

Old Navy, not satisfied with taking the joy out of wearing shorts and anything made from denim, has sullied our terror-filled memories and insured that no child will ever find a mannequin scary again with the creation of Supermodelquins.

Over the years, I’ve noticed the steady decline of display mannequins.  And without kids hanging on to their parents’ legs in fear, begging to leave the store, forcing their parents to make hasty fashion decisions that they’ll regret later, I’m surprised any clothing gets sold. (To be fair, I probably go to a department store once every three years and while there my eyes are usually locked on the floor in confusion and enamor …ment? with my own reflection, but the last time I went I can’t remember seeing any mannequins, so that’s enough for me to feel comfortable making a sweeping generalization.)

Then Old Navy comes along. But instead of focusing on what works about mannequins (the dead-eyed stares, the creepy smiles, that certain “why does that look like my uncle?  he drowned.  I PUSHED HIM AND HE DROWNED.” something) Old Navy gives us a group of smiling gossips who actually like being mannequins. Mannequins don’t like being mannequins. Being a mannequin is the job you get stuck with after you forget how much pot is considered a misdemeanor or after they manage to get DNA off that kid’s skateboard.

I should walk in to a store, see a mannequin, and wonder if I’m going to see the mannequin again later when the power goes out and I’m down in the basement looking for candles. Would it have killed Old Navy to incorporate some of the proud mannequin tradition in to their ad campaign? Couldn’t they have kicked it up a notch for a new generation? I watch these Supermodelquins commercials and wonder why the little mannequins aren’t covered in cigarette burns. Why isn’t “Josh’s” one eye closed to the light, preferring to hunt only in shadow? “Amy’s” face looks a little too real, why doesn’t it look like she’s wearing a mask made out of paper-mache and baby-skin?

I hear that for their next ad, Old Navy is going to start a campaign staring Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. But instead of Freddy killing kids in their dreams, he’s going to use kids’ dreams to find out how many tankinis they want and then the commercial’s going to end with him using his knife hand to carve something out of a conch shell.

In the Seasonique “RePunctuate Your Life” birth control pill commercial, several women are finally standing up to the shadowy figure responsible for the global law requiring twelve periods a year. Because of the actions of Seasonqiue and these brave women, the “Who Says” revolution is flowing across America and the globe.

The only problem I can see for the future of this revolution is the lingering question of who actually says women have to have twelve periods a year.  Who are we fighting against? Who’s responsible?

Jesus

Jesus

Sure, Jesus is a likely candidate. He’s had a cross to bear against women for centuries. Remember how Eve was made from Adam’s rib? While Adam was tearing his rib off, Jesus probably decided to double down.

Jesus: “Adam, stop clawing at yourself for a second.”

Adam: “it hurts it hurts it hurts..”

Jesus: “At first I thought women would be insulted enough when they found out they were made from the rib of such a naked pussy, but now I’m not sure.”

Adam: “owie owie owie owie”

Jesus: “Great idea, Adam.  Twelve times a year I’ll make them bleed out of those holes where a penis is supposed to go. That’s a double entendre.”

Adam: “I’ve been sticking my penis in the ground over by that tree.”

Jesus: “….”

It must really piss Jesus off that women have reached the point of rebellion against the number of periods they have a year. Soon women will want equal pay for equal work and voting rights.   …It has been pointed out to me that women already have the right to vote.  Don’t tell Jesus.

Corporate America

Corporate America. Macro.

It makes sense. Look how many companies profit from periods:

-Tampax

-Midol

-Bedford/St. Martin from the Rules for Writers series

-Trojan

-Google’s Adwords from the following keyword searches “can i get pregnant during my period”, “can a girl get pregnant during her period”, “can a girl have sex during her period”, “can i get aids from drinking menstrual blood”

-Pampers

-Budweiser

-Maxi

-Duracel

It could be argued that if Corporate America is behind the monthly period, Seasonique is part of the problem and not the leader we need.  The Seasonqiue brand is owend by the Duramed Pharmecutical corporation, but Seasonique’s goals seem to be totally against those of the other corporations on my list.  For example, in the RePunctuate Your Life commercial, one of the women make a point to explain that having a period once every three months equals four periods a year.

This is an effort to convert uneducated TV viewers who either don’t know how many months are in a year or who can’t count to four. This part of society uses almost all of the items made by the companies on my list with the obvious exceptions of The Rules of Writers and The Internet.  Seasonique is definitely with us.

The Uterus

I’m not a doctor, but I once rode really fast in an ambulance. It has been known for years that the Uterus craves baby eggs and excretes blood as a by product. Here’s a helpful illustration from a medical book with lots of facts and words.

A Uterus hunting

The Uterus’s constant yearning for fresh eggs gives it more than enough reason to support twelve-periods-a-year legislation

Also, for my younger readers, and since I brought it up above, a baby is made when an egg manages to sneak past the Uterus’s chomping maw and get lodged in the Uterus’s throat.  The egg then hatches and grows, feeding off the Uterus like a parasite until bursting forth to freedom.

The more I examine the three candidates above, the more I think that the force responsible for twelve periods a year could be any one of them. Since Jesus doesn’t have a Uterus and there isn’t a single Uterus in Corporate America,  I doubt anyone is working together..

What do you guys think?