I‘ve heard that cigarettes are addictive, but I’ve never tried them myself. For this reason, I’m not sure if someone would give someone else a blow job for a cigarette. I’m sure it has happened in the past when some poor college student ran out of smokes right before a big exam or something, but that’s a perfect storm of a situation involving low finances, stress, and essay questions on Constitutional law.

Maybe it’s a bigger problem over in France, where the ads I’m about to show you originate. Maybe you can’t even walk down the street over there without someone offering to blow you for half a Marlboro. But if that was the case, France would have a much larger tourism industry.

I can't read French, but I'm guessing that says something about deep throat cancer.

How does he expect to get anything out of that cigarette with such poor lip form?

The idea behind these ads is that every time you smoke, you’re giving some tobacco executive a blow job. I read somewhere that over 15 billion cigarettes are sold daily, so there are either a whole lot of tobacco executives or each tobacco executive is hooked up to some kind of grid comprised of millions and millions of penises.

Since cigarettes cause cancer, does that mean that ejaculate from a tobacco executive’s penis also causes cancer? Someone should file a report and get the word out before the global escort industry is decimated.

All joking aside, I think these ads are important. If we can’t manage to convict tobacco executives for killing off large portions of our population, maybe we can get them on the sexual abuse of minors. A surprising number of kids start smoking every day. I’m just saying.

~thanks Buzzfeed

post image by Fazen

In the past, people were constantly sick because they didn’t have advanced exercise equipment like video game systems and micro-suede recliners. Doctors had few options. The most common treatment was a handful of leeches followed by two swigs of whiskey. After it was discovered that leeches love blood spiked with whiskey, the prescription was changed from two swigs to half a bottle.

By the time cigarettes came along, physicians were desperate for something that appeared to help people rather than kill them immediately. Tobacco was untested, uncertified, and inexplicably delicious. Doctors started prescribing cigarettes to pregnant mothers and Polio patients almost immediately.

When cigarette companies heard about this, the advertising was soon to follow.

Ironically, this model later got cancer of the shoulder.

My favorite line from this ad is “Lucky Strike, the finest cigarette you ever smoked.” Why the past tense? Is this ad intended for people in intensive care units who are covered with leeches and dying from emphysema? It seems like a delicate time to reminisce.

And remember, “Lucky Strike has an extra, secret heating process.” That must be when all the carcinogens are sealed in. “It’s Toasted!” kind of gives the secret away, doesn’t it?

Consumer: “I bet I know what your secret heating process is?”

Lucky Strike: “Not a chance, dear sir! *cough* *cough* *wheeze* *wheeze*

Consumer: “Wow, you sound great! Your lungs sound like they’re crying with the lust for adventure!”

Lucky Strike: “That’s the secret heating process in action, my boy!  *gurgle* *gurgle *gurgle*

Consumer: “Anyway, the secret heating process is toasting.”

Lucky Strike: ……….  “Perhaps, but I bet you can’t guess how we toast them.”

Consumer: “In a big toaster?”

Lucky Strike: *cough* *cough* *choke* *gag* *cough* “My lungs are excited by your discovery.”

Of course the big theme of this ad is that Lucky Strike cigarettes can keep you thin and fit. I guess everyone thought that was to be expected from breathing in the smoke of some random plant. I wonder how they handled house fires back in the 1930’s.

“Wow, look at that smoke. I bet the family of eight trapped in that upstairs bedroom are going to be able to jump rope for hours after this.

The girl in color is doomed if this is a splash competition.

I hope this isn’t me five years from now. That sage color won’t match my nose plug, flippers, or goggles. I’m guessing she’s wearing those little shoes so she can jump right out of the pool and polish the tar on the driveway. Shouldn’t she be holding a sponge incase the bottom of the pool needs a quick scrub?

I’m still confused about how Luckies are “your throat protection against irritation, against cough.” In lab tests when people started coughing and complaining of throat irritation, what was the explanation?

Test Subject: “Doctor, these Luckies really irritate my throat and make me cough.”

Doctor: “Interesting … It looks as if the Luckies have caused you to cough and feel irritation in order to scare away more severe cases of cough and irritation.

Test Subject: “Makes sense. They are toasted.”

Packing on her wedding day? At least give her a day off so her body can properly absorb the semen.

I don’t really know where to go with this one. Going by the “right combination” slogan at the bottom, I’m guessing the ad company got a bunch of guys around a table and made them think up other “right combinations.” The most politically correct one they could come up with was a woman in a wedding dress putting a carton of cigarettes into a suitcase. The original idea was to have the woman naked, reclining on a bed, holding two feather dusters, and rolling a carton’s worth of Chesterfields with her labia, but the male artist had never seen a feather duster before and was unable to produce a realistic rendition.

I am a little confused about the time line. What kind of ragtag ship is the man running where the wife is packing her suitcase while wearing her wedding dress? She should have had that shit packed days in advance. And isn’t the “packed with pleasure” slogan a little obvious? — The Chesterfields are getting packed into the suitcase. I think the wedding theme hurts this ad. There are a lot of things marriage is packed with, but none of them is pleasure.

If you see any other vintage ads you’d like me to post about, send em in to Bryan AT Mediabane DOT com.

~Thanks clotho98