I don’t watch American Idol because I’m too busy watching the Internet for the latest advertising news and killer deals on CDRs. Does Ryan Seacrest still host the show? When’s the devil gonna burst through the earth’s crust and square up with that dude?

Even though I don’t watch American Idol, it managed to make it’s way to the Internet like every other show populated by contestants who are more talented than 99 percent of the global population. If MacGyver was still on the air, it’d be an Internet phenomenon. That guy could diffuse a bomb with a cotton swab and two bristles from the head of a toothbrush. The rest of us diffuse bombs by letting them explode.

Adam Lambert, the runner up in last season’s singing showdown, is working on his first studio album. I think he’s going in the wrong direction with his album cover.

I don't know why he's holding his face. Is he trying to help the skin-transplant stick?

Why’s his skin so smooth? How am I supposed to relate to this guy when he looks like something I carved out of soapstone. Well, not something I personally carved out of soapstone, something someone with talent carved out of soapstone. Even if I had the talent, I’d probably get to the bottom of that glove and wonder what the fuck I was doing with my life.

I guess this picture connects with Adam’s “base.” I didn’t know most of Adam Lambert’s fans were naked astronauts applying eyeliner. If using expensive makeup in low gravity can net these results, I’m taking my modeling career to space. Wouldn’t that be a bitch if no one hired me on the moon?

“I’m sorry, Mr. Sharp. We went with another model.”

“THERE’S NO ONE ELSE HERE.”

Too bad Ghostbusters 3 isn’t being filmed yet. I think Adam Lambert could use this album cover as his audition for “next scary portrait.” I mean, the Viggo painting from Ghostbusters 2 was scary in the traditional definition of scary. This Adam Lambert album cover is more unsettling. He could shoot half-digested carebears at the Ghostbusters and Bill Murray would be all “Why didn’t you just go on one date with him, Ray?”

Pick a set of eyes and then surrender your soul.

I’m going to watch the sales of this album closely because if he can get away with something this ridiculous it leaves hope for every crazy idea I’ve ever had. That’s what this album cover is — a crazy idea that someone had and someone else was like “well, fuck it. Let’s see how it goes. What’s the worst that could happen? We only sell two million copies?”

The Adam Lambert album For Your Entertainment DROPS November 23rd at a nail salon near you.