You are what you eat, which is why I’ve been eating nothing but imported Care Bears for the past ten years. I should be able to shoot some kind of power beam out of my chest any day now. The next person who laughs at my elven facial features is in for a nasty surprise. Note: eating Care Bears can lead to elven facial features.

But what would happen if I only ate vegetables? Would I be able to self pollinate? Would rabbit attacks become a very real and dangerous threat? According to this ad from the International Vegetarian Union, that’s exactly what would happen.

It’s official — I’m off ginger. Look at it clogging up the place where feces are supposed to fester. Have you ever tried to pass a ginger root? Those little knobs all over each root aren’t pleasure enhancers.

What happened to this person’s arms? Were they made out of big carrots until the person got so hungry from eating nothing but ginger and tomatoes that he gnawed his own arms off? If so, where are the carrots on the inside? This thing isn’t very accurate.

I’m a little concerned that my own lungs don’t look as healthy as the lungs in the ad. The person in the ad is obviously a non-smoker, or those lungs would be made out of marijuana or tobacco leaves. Marijuana’s a vegetable, right? THEN WHY HAVE I BEEN SPRINKLING IT ON MY SALADS?!?!

The main point of this ad is to convince people that “vegetables are all your body needs.” But wasn’t there a House episode where a guy had a bulb of garlic lodged in his throat and House made some joke like “at least we know he’s not a vampire” before hitting the guy on the back of the neck with his cane to dislodge the bulb. And then House used the bulb of garlic to make baked ziti for Wilson? Because in that case, a vegetable almost killed someone.

~Thanks Boing Boing

image flickred by sbocaj

Evel Knievel is best known for almost killing himself dozens of times for fame, money, and the thrill of almost killing himself dozens of times. But Evel Knievel also dabbled in other ways to make money. Take, for example. this very old ad for Evel Knievel frozen treats. They don’t look very appetizing to me, but I’m not an Evel Knievel fan. Maybe the trick is to squint at the advertisement and imagine the sicles jumping over some buses. Anyone could appreciate a nice ice-pop after the resulting fiery crash.

I like how they went through the trouble to label these the “official” Evel Knievel barely edible treats. Were a lot of people trying to use the Evel Knievel name to mount model rockets on sticks and then sell them to the gullible public? If I’m going to get cancer from a popsicle, it’s damn well going to be an official Evel Knievel popsicle.

That motor-sicle pop looks like it was molded from Evel’s bike after a nearly fatal jump. The color red was chosen because of the amount of blood covering the cycle.

As legit as the ad looks, I think it might be a mock ad put out by some kind of motorcycle safety organization. Doesn’t the kid eating that sky-sicle look a little brain damaged? That’s what happens when you try to slingshot your motorcycle off a flock of kites into a field of rubber tires and over the heads of forty lions. Something is bound to go wrong and leave you happily licking an iced rocket that tastes like a gasoline leak.

~Thanks Martin Klasch

Because of all the news stories about people throwing their babies into dumpsters, a lot of people think that a dumpster is a great place for a small child. At first, it makes sense. There’s a lot of stuff in a dumpster that a baby could play with, and heat from the rotting garbage would keep a baby warm.

But I’m here to tell you that throwing your baby into a dumpster is wrong. The infrastructure of an average township can’t handle a bunch of babies filling up all the dumpsters. Luckily, someone made a little advertisement that will hopefully put an end to people tossing their babies into dumpsters.

I don’t know — the baby looks pretty happy in the first picture. Sure, it’s upside down and streaking toward the mangled spokes of a deflated bike tire or a carpet of smashed Snapple bottles, but the risk of the ride is really half the fun.

Actually, the baby looks the same in the second picture. It’s happy no matter what. Maybe the lady is getting rid of the baby because its dopamine levels are all fucked up. It must be frustrating to beat a child over and over and over again while it giggles and makes funny faces.

The main problem I see with this ad is that the baby is missing the region of flesh that connects its legs to the rest of its body. Because of this, some people might think that this ad only applies to babies that got that little triangle of flesh cutout in a horrible Play-Doh accident. I’m not a doctor, but that seems like a pretty legitimate reason to throw a baby in the trash. I don’t think that nurse in the second picture has the medical skill to re-attach that area. Besides, once the flesh gets mixed with the other Play-Doh colors, it’s really impossible to get the correct skin-tone back.

~Thanks Buzz Feed

post image flickred by MarmotChaser

I think I do my part to help prevent climate change. I turn off the lights in rooms I’m not in, and I stopped leaving the fridge open to cool the kitchen. But every time I think I’m doing enough to help the environment, an organization releases an advertisement about something else that’s killing the earth.

Take, for example, this recent climate change ad by the forward thinkers at Plane Stupid. The members of Plane Stupid hate planes and aviation because of the amount of pollution produced by aircraft. They decided to help us all understand their position by dropping a polar bear on a car.

Do you see what you’re doing by visiting your family in Buffalo? If you loved the gentle polar bear, you’d hitchhike to Buffalo like a good citizen of the planet. I’d tell you to bring some mace just on the off chance that some crazy serial rapist picks you up, but spraying that stuff can’t be good for the ecosystem.

If I had designed that commercial, I would have went with penguins instead of polar bears. Everyone loves penguins. A penguin would probably give you a hug and maybe bring you a fish. Polar bears tear off a person’s skin and use it as a birthing-blanket.

My version of the commercial would also be a bit more logical and on point. How did those polar bears get up in the sky? Polar bears can’t fly, so someone must have kidnapped them, loaded them on a PLANE, and then dropped them from a couple thousand feet. How much fuel does a plane full of polar bears use? I bet it uses more fuel than a plane full of people considering how huge polar bears are and how low the pilot would have to keep the air conditioner to help the bears feel at home.

~Thanks Plane Stupid