According to this article, adults are concerned that new Camel Orbs mints target kids. The new nicotine mints are being marketed as an alternative to smoking and as a solution to the increasing difficulty of contracting saliva cancer.
The people who say that the mints attract kids have a few good points:
It’s in a colorful candy box and looks just like candy.
It’s something that looks like a treat..
Nicotine is nicotine.
Great points. Really. I think the people against the new mints are focused on the wrong aspect of Camel Orbs. These mints appeal to kids not because they’re mints and look like candy. They appeal to kids because they contain nicotine.
Kids Hate Mints
If you gave a kid two dollars and told her to pick out anything she wanted from the candy aisle, there’s absolutely no fucking way she would come back with a can of Altoids. Ok, she might come back with Altoids once because she doesn’t know what they are, but she’d learn her lesson later when you force fed her the entire canister to teach her the importance of not wasting money.
When I was little, my pockets never contained a pack of mints. Mints are for people who anticipate kissing something other than the torn page from Barley Legal they found in the woods. My pockets contained dead spiders and pieces of razor blades. Ironically, this was also the contents of Kelly Sadpussy’s vagina in the Barley Legal emo issue.
Kids will always select something that doesn’t taste like mint when it comes to candy, so the arguments that Camel Orbs look like candy and come packaged in a colorful container are void. Actually, Camel Orbs “fresh” probably taste like overpowering mint with a back end of nicotine and metal — the combination of an old carny’s mouth and the handle of a slot machine. I’m not sure what Camel Orbs “mellow” is supposed to taste like. Bourbon? Peppermint bourbon? Man, that does sound delicious.
This is a little off-topic, but I hate the argument that the mints come in a colorful container. Kids aren’t the only people who like colorful things. I’m glad that everything I buy doesn’t come packaged in a brown shoebox with a list of the most depressing crying positions. This is why I live in America and not a place like North Korea where everything comes packaged in drab sleeves made from abandoned bomb-casing. The more I think about it, an overly colorful container could keep kids away from Camel Orbs:
Teacher: “MARK, what was that pulsing neon pink thing with the tassels that you just put in your pocket?”
Mark: “Nothing, Mrs. Sanders.”
Mrs. Sanders: “I can see it pulsing through your pocket, Mark.”
Mark: “It’s my … uhh.. vibrator? Yeah, my vibrator.”
If Camel came out with nicotine gummy bears or nicotine pixie sticks, I could see how kids might be happier, more alert, and at an overwhelming risk for heart disease just because they love candy.
Kids Love Nicotine
Here’s where parents should focus their anger — the love kids have for nicotine. Of course, most kids don’t know that they love nicotine. I didn’t know I love having gin for breakfast, but now I practically fly downstairs in the morning. The problem with these Camel Orbs is that they make it easier for kids to try a nicotine product. Smoking is messy and smelly and banned almost everywhere, so it’s hard for kids to light up. Eating mints is accepted most everywhere except for a few places in China where they are trying to keep people from reproducing.
I do have a solution to the problem. Parents need to focus on forcing Camel to make these Orbs do something that makes it difficult for kids to use the mints without detection. Could the mints release some sort of vapor that gave surrounding people cancer? Or maybe the mints could just give people really bad breath, bad breath with a unique aroma so others know it was caused by Camel Orbs. I don’t care how many test tubes the bio-engineers at Camel have to go through to make breath smell like a fresh dump inside a rotting armadillo carcass; the R&D costs be damned. This is our children we’re talking about.