Nature, in an unforeseeable blunder of evolution, has created the ultimate nerd pet — a lizard that looks like Spider-Man. The red and blue colored Mwanza Flat Headed Agama lizard hails from Africa but is now being imported in large numbers to live in tanks lined with pictures of Green Goblin.
Accidental Advertising
Unfortunately, it probably took the Agama lizard hundreds of thousands of years to develop its red and blue markings, so it could catch bugs more effectively or something; It’s a little late now to turn back the clock. Besides, if nature just starts changing the lizard’s colors without guidance, the Agama could end up looking like Magneto by the year 304567 and still remain in this predicament.
I think it’s important to understand how the lizard attracts Spider-Man fans so Nature can take steps to change the Agama. This is assuming that the lizards aren’t made extinct in five years by throngs of dough-fisted, vitamin D deprived kids wearing Punisher shirts.
Appearance
Obviously, the first thing against the Agama is the red and blue coloring. In this article, Rich Nunn talks about the Agama’s amazing resemblance to Spider-Man.
The colouring is unbelievably similar, especially in the chest arms and legs.
Quite true, Rich. But, if I may, shouldn’t the similar coloring be canceled out by the fact that the Agama is a FUCKING LIZARD?
"Hey guys! Look at this thing! It looks like Spider-Man! Someone give me the checklist. Ok ..let's see. It's got red on it. Check. It's got blue on it. Check. ....Oh wait, it's a lizard. Put it back on a rock."
However, the Agama does share Spider-Man’s blank facial-expression. So I can see how that might be confusing to someone, if the Agama was rescuing the person from a burning building.
That white stuff is webbing.
The only other similarity between the Agama and Spider-Man that I can think of is really more of a similarity between Tobey Maguire and the Agama, but I’m going to include it because Maguire plays Spider-Man in the Spider-Man movies. By looking at the Agama, it’s impossible to say whether or not it’s fucked Kirsten Dunst.
What Can Be Done
To sum up, Spider-Man fans are attracted to the Agama lizard because blue and red are primary colors that Spider-Man wears, The Agama has Spider-Man’s blank facial expression, and the Agama may or may not have had sexual intercourse with Kirsten Dunst.
I don’t know how Nature is going to fix all those problems, but I took the liberty of composing an artistic rendering of the future Agama in a state that I feel makes it the least desirable to Spider-Man fans.
Shouting out "Yay! I never slept with Kirsten Dunst!" might make it difficult for the Agama to approach prey, but it should drastically increase the Agama's chance of finding a mate.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to admit I was thinking of getting a “spider man lizard” until I clicked on to this site. My son is 5 years old a spiderman fan and despiratley wants a lizard so this particular lizard ticked all the boxes. I went on line to find out more about them and how difficult they would be to look after. All though my son is not adough fisted vitamin d deprived kid ( He spends all his time in a swimming pool) and he doesn’t own a punisher t-shirt I do see were you are coming from. After reading your site I will definatley not be buying one. Thankyou for putting it to perspective for me and I only hope others aren’t too narrow minded to realise how wrong it is too. max. xx
p.s Where do you get those punisher t-shirts from and how much are they because my son really wants one of those too. thanks. max. xx
Thanks a lot for your comment, Maxine.
I applaud you for reconsidering the idea of getting your son an Agama lizard. I’m sure your son would have cared for it well, but the novelty might have worn off after he figured out that the lizard couldn’t throw grown men, shoot webbing, or star in movies.
And keep him in the pool. I didn’t swim much as a child and look how I turned out.
As far as the Punisher shirt, I did a search on Amazon.com and found quite a few. It looks like your son will be able to choose from a variety of different skull designs. Isn’t it amazing how designers can keep reinventing the same old skull?
Here’s the link
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=punisher+t-shirt&x=0&y=0
Again, thanks for your comment, Maxine. And I hope you continue reading Mediabane.
-Bryan
Thank you for your reply, I would have replied sooner but I haven’t had access to a computer. All joking aside it was your site that changed my mind. Although any pet I have has and always would have the best of everything, It’s not the point! The point is its cruel to take something from its natural habitat and cage it. I hate zoo’s for the same reason. Since reading your site it opened my eyes and I have decided we will not be having any type of lizard for the same reason. We have a kitten instead named Mojo,Named after my late mum and dad Maureen and John.
Take it easy, Max. x
what u fukin tit u are