I have to hand it to Jon Gosselin; I had no idea who he was until the Internet wrote about him. I’ve never watched his show or done any research on him, but I already know that he has a bunch of kids, split with the kids’ mom, likes to party, and is trying to milk this “people like my TV show about those kids that I had” thing as much as possible.
And he seems to be doing a pretty good job. I know nothing about him but because of his ability to “assholeify” himself, I can’t help but pick up little nuggets of knowledge.
For example, I was just reading Google News, a place on the Internet that I assumed dealt in reports about important world events. and learned that Jon Gosselin thinks his ex-wife Kate stole his wedding ring. This guy is some kind of marketing mastermind.
What do you do when you have no talent, creativity, or desirable qualities that other people can appreciate? You market the shit out of yourself. I bet some of you are saying, “But Bryan! How do I market myself if there’s nothing about myself worth marketing?” That’s easy — Cause a high-drama situation.
A high-drama situation takes the focus off of you and puts it on the situation. No one cares about Jon Gosselin the person, which is why I’m writing about how Kate maybe possibly could have stole his wedding ring and not about how Jon claims that he was emotionally abused for ten years, so abused that now he can’t even select clothing that doesn’t make him look like schmuck.
These high-drama situations have previously worked for Jon Gosselin. He started off big by having eight kids, seven and a half more kids than is usually needed to cause drama. After this drama netted him a TV show, he continued by splitting with the kids’ mother. Finally, he decided to “party” as much as possible, an open-ended form of high-drama that makes people think that anything crazy could happen. Jon could get some girl so drunk at a party that she has eight kids, based on what little I know about alcohol and fertility.
But all that stuff is wearing thin, so in an interview with Good Morning America, Jon accused Kate of stealing his wedding ring. The ring story was a good move by Jon because it’s not only a high-drama situation, but it’s also a story that can’t be proved true or false. It’s a mystery, and the American people love a good mystery. Right now, there are people across the country gathering magazine clippings and screen-caps of Jon wearing the wedding ring and not wearing the wedding ring. These pictures will go up on cork board so the exact date the ring went missing can be calculated. A separate wall will house pictures of Kate looking at Jon’s ring. Pictures of her thinking, plotting. Could she do it? Would she do it? That sneaky bitch.
But Who Took It?
Who took the ring isn’t really important. It probably fell off in some stripper’s vagina or Jon made room for it in his safe-deposit box after throwing away his self-respect. In the Good Morning America interview, Jon says that, “Kate’s the only person who could have taken it.” But if people really want to investigate the missing ring, Kate Gosselin shouldn’t be the only suspect. By my count, there are eight other people who had the access, motive, and naive blinky-eyed curiosity that touching Jon Gosselin requires.
What is important is that the ring story guarantees that people will be talking about what an asshole Jon Gosselin is for a while. When this ring story runs its course, I suspect that Jon has more tricks up his sleeve. Look forward to accusations that Kate Gosselin stole a box of hot-pockets out of the freezer that Jon planned to eat on all fours in the basement. And what happened to that bottle of after-shave that Jon had under the sink? What happened indeed.
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In Jon’s defense, his wife is truly a bitch.