Idon’t know how Mercury could do much worse than “you’ve gotta put Mercury on your list” as a slogan. The only thing I can figure is that Mercury hosted some Charlie and Chocolate Factoryish competition and had the winner write the slogan, but only a few kids from an orphanage near a plastic refinery showed up.
If it’s so bad, why is Mercury still using it? I don’t know, maybe they can’t afford to hire someone to write a better one, what with all the legal fees after one of the orphanage kids, dizzy from the lack of plastic-fumes in the air, passed out on that conveyor.
I went to Mercury’s website for answers and my input was so valued that I was asked to participate in a survey.
I was a little jaded
What can I say? I didn’t trust Mercury at first. I was already disillusioned from the dozens of commercials where attractive women told me to put Mercury cars on some kind of fancy buying list. A list I didn’t own. I felt left out. I finally realized how everyone else must have felt at cousin Frank’s funeral when I sported the only penis bow-tie in the room. We really are a country of haves and have nots.
Then I warmed up
The people at the Mercury car company are persistent, and I was quickly won over. I fought it for as long as I could, but never before had I felt so valued. The closest thing I can compare it to is when the wolf-dog tells Ethan Hawke his life story in that movie, and Ethan Hawke is so moved, feels so appreciated, that he agrees to invest in the wolf-dog’s canine casino where all the chips are dog bones and all the cards are pieces of jerky. SPOILER: the movie ends with Ethan and the wolf-dog wrestling on the floor, both their jaws locked on the last jerky card, as the casino burns down around them. But that seems irrelevant here.
I opened my heart
At this point, Mercury and I were BFFs. I even tried to play catch with Mercury over the Internet. Four broken monitors and several hours later, I realized that Mercury wasn’t very good at the fundamentals of baseball. But this wasn’t something I held against them. We can’t all be Michael Jordan.
I always do this with the things I love
I always do this. Always. I ruin everything. Mercury wanted just a little advice, a little constructive criticism and what do I do? I go and smother them with input. That’s funny, “smothering with input,” was what I thought sex was called when I was a small child. I used to ask, “Mommy, are you going to smother daddy with input?” and the swift smack that followed was the only answer I needed. Speaking of sexual inexperience, did you know that in New Jersey “attempted penetration through the navel” can’t be tried as rape?
{ 0 comments… add one now }