According to Media Matters, Glenn Beck still has fourteen advertisers for his highly-controversial Fox News program. For those who don’t know, Beck’s advertisers have been under pressure to drop the show after Beck called Obama a racist.
I didn’t get riled up over the whole racist comment. President Obama is in the most important, public position in the entire world — someone was bound to call him a racist eventually. Hell, people call me a racist all the time, and I’m in the least important, public position in the entire world.
But I’m no fan of Glenn Beck’s program, and I was always confused how he had advertisers in the first place. This boycott of his show by many advertisers means that only the bottom of the barrel is left. So why are these advertisers still supporting Glenn Beck?
I won’t comment on all fourteen advertisers; most deal in banking or the stock market. It’s obvious that those types of advertisers want to reach the bored rich. This is a group that finds an odd amount of pleasure in watching older suited-white-guys scream about boot-straps.
ExtenZe
Speaking of pulling something up by its boot-straps, what do you do when that isn’t an option? Someone with an ill-equipped penis that lacks boot-straps has two choices: A). Suffer through painful strap-implantation surgery with mixed results based on the penis’s socioeconomic status and hue. B). Eat ExtenZe tablets and mentally psyche yourself out that yes, your wife’s vagina does feel less like a trash bag full of dead caterpillars and more like a zip-lock bag full of dead caterpillars.
Most of Glenn Beck’s audience chooses option B since they’ve already been lying to themselves for most of their lives.
LifeLock
LifeLock is the type of product that really thrives in an environment full of paranoid conservatives. Glenn Beck stating that Obama is a racist increased this paranoia. “Great, not only is he black — something that I don’t have a problem with but felt the need to mention, but he also hates white people. If he steals my identity, he could blackmail me into drinking beer with him at the White House.”
LifeLock’s logo is interesting. Is it supposed to symbolize how safe your identity is, or does it symbolize how quickly your life will become shackled after some kid tries to buy a Mustang with your credit card? I left the specific Mustang I’m referring to up for interpretation. Is it more scary if it’s the car or the horse?
I like how the little lock has half of a human torso. Personally, I don't know if sacrificing the top half of my body is a price I'm willing to pay for this service.
Goldline
Godline works on the same paranoia angle as LifeLock but adds a few drops of crazy. These advertisements are directed at the people watching Glenn Beck while they clean their cross-etched machine guns.
On the surface, Goldine looks like a decent company because you think they let you invest in raw gold. This is perfect for people who think the world is going to collapse, the survivors reverting to basic resources. Instead of using money to make transactions, the post-apocalyptic society will trade gold for things like food and working Xboxes. But then you find out that Goldine deals in antique gold and silver coins, coins that you have to pay more for because they are old and rare.
Maybe I’m new to this “trading gold to protect the sanctity of my anus from The Dirt People” thing, but I’d be a little reluctant to trade my American Gold Eagle coin that I bought for 200,000 dollars. I’d consider surrendering to the dirt person with the smallest penis and least amount of festering sores.
Conclusion
Some of Glenn Beck’s advertisers will never leave. Unfortunately, there’s no better audience for their products. The crazier and more offensive Beck gets, the more people he attracts with small penises, identity theft paranoia, and plans for the ultimate destruction of the globe.
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