Look, Cinergy Health, I can appreciate how difficult it must be to run a health insurance company out of Miami, Florida next to all that Vitamin C, but the commercial I saw last night really makes me question your company’s future.
Cinergy’s commercial follows the same format as most health insurance commercials. Words and pictures flash on the screen as a voice over explains how affordable Cinergy health insurance is, “it’s only 5 dollars a day!” But then the commercial changes from a normal health insurance commercial to a commercial targeted at the percent of the population who could die any second.
Cinergy makes a comparison to demonstrate the affordability of their health insurance.
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“a burger”
Really, Cinergy? A burger? Your marketing team decided to go with that over a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, or a bag of fruit? Why is Cinergy, a health insurance company, marketing to the portion of society that is chiefly interested in turning five dollars into a burger. This just seems like bad business. If I was running Cinergy, the commercial would be totally different.
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“A homeless guy’s heart so when your heart dries up and dies you have a readily available replacement.”
But Cinergy isn’t just marketing to the burger-pounding obese, their pensions slowly draining in five-dollar-drive-through increments. Cinergy also wants the cancer-infused masses as evident by the next part of the commercial.
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“a pack of cigarettes.”
Cigarettes? If you’ve gone this far, why not take it all the way? Who else do you want to insure, Cinergy? Meth addicts?
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“I DON’T CARE JUST GIVE ME IT I NEED IT”
How bout the suicidal?
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“I’m too sad to do math.”
The homicidal?
“What can you buy with five dollars?”
“A new set of fingerprints.”
Our soothing staff will gather around and stare down at you while you die
The entire commercial makes me think that Cinergy has some bet with Allstate to see who can sign the most uninsurable people this year. The commercial does do a good job of telling people who’ve been rejected by every other health insurance company that Cinergy is the place for them. But if Cinergy’s marketing team was a bit more savvy, the commercial could have been one screen with “We insure chain-smoking calorie whores,” maybe not in those exact words.
And like I mentioned above, why is Cinergy interested in people with low life-expectancy? Either Cinergy is totally full of shit and they plan on taking everyone’s money and then never providing any payouts OR they want to harvest corpses for some kind of wheezing, overweight zombie army. I think both are equally plausible.
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Cinergy is a total scam. It is the worst product ever. Obama should start by shutting them down. They pay NOTHING! It is not real insurance. Someone should shut them down. Try to spread the word. They paid $2 on my doctors visit. Yes $2! Cinergy Health Is not any good. They suck.