I can’t get over the quality of Google’s 2010 Super Bowl commercial. I know this probably comes as a shock for my multiple (possibly) readers since I usually fill this blog with cleverly disguised negativity. But Google’s Parisian Love commercial doesn’t make me angry OR make me question the longevity of the human race. If you aren’t shocked by this news, please take your time perusing Mediabane’s extensive archive.

The Parisian Love commercial is the most popular of Google’s “search on” commercials, and, since the ad ran during Super Bowl XLIV, (I think that stands for a million) a lot of people have seen it. But the ad is so good that I think it deserves a little more exposure.

If that doesn’t tug at the rusted chain attached to the small engine those doctors in Iran installed to try and keep your heart beating, I don’t know what will. For those who can’t be bothered to watch the short ad, I’ll summarize. A guy goes to Paris, meets a girl, falls in love, gets married, and has a baby.

That ad sounds like it sucks, doesn’t it? Looking at my summary of the Google Parisian Love commercial, it should suck. If someone told me about  a commercial that involved a guy falling in love with a girl in Paris, I’d first ask if the “commercial” was really an Anne Hathaway movie. Then I’d yell “I KNEW IT. NICE TRY, MOTHERFUCKER” and run off into the night.

But Google makes the Parisian Love commercial not suck by having the plot progress entirely through Google searches. This brings an added layer of humanity to the commercial because most people can relate to solving life problems with the help of Google. Now that I think about it, that’s kind of sad in itself. After Google connects with their audience, they up the emotion by playing a song that is almost sad. This is a trick that a lot of media uses. It’s the reason I cried at the end of Critters.

I’m guessing that the view of the commercial is so zoomed in because no matter what Google typed into the search box, the bottom suggestions always had to do with pornography. This was probably a huge problem after they decided on a French girl as the love interest.

I’d be interested in seeing a bunch of taboo “search on” commercials based on things like “how to run a dictatorship” and “stalking mylie cyrus,” but I never get what I want.

That title is misleading. I didn’t actually replace this post with Fruit by the Foot. I can’t just go wasting Fruit by the Foot on random Mediabane posts. What would I eat for Thanksgiving dinner?

This Fruit by the Foot commercial makes me want to replace a bunch of stuff in my life with Fruit by the Foot. Instead of throwing away the stuff I don’t need, I could just turn it into Fruit by the Foot and work on gaining the weight needed to make my bony ass not hurt when I sit on flat surfaces.

That was obviously the kid on the left’s first Fruit by the Foot duel. Most professional Fruit by the Foot duelers that I know lead off with “I’ve replaced your tongue with Fruit by the Foot.” Without the power of voice, the other person can’t replace something on your body with Fruit by the Foot.

Of course, that strategy only works if you win the coin toss. You could lose the coin toss and get your own tongue replaced. This is why I always carry index cards and a sharpie marker. Just make sure you don’t replace your opponent’s eyes with Fruit by the Foot or you’ll fuck yourself.

The kid on the left made the rookie mistake of trying to point out how much he ruined his opponent’s life by turning his fingers to Fruit by the Foot. He had to rub it in his opponent’s face that that guitar would never again produce music. How do you play guitar with Fruit by the Foot fingers? You don’t. Based on the bleak surroundings, that kid had nothing else to do besides vacuum with that soviet-made vacuum cleaner or play USSR battle hymns on the guitar.

A Fruit by the Foot battle should never become personal. Emotions cloud your judgment. The kid on the left could have won that duel, but now the winner is eating pieces of his face. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Iwanted to write about this sooner, but I had trouble finding a link to one of the commercials. I figured that was crucial for people who might not have seen the commercial because they have better things to do than watch TV and play Team Fortress 2.

Then, ironically, I found a link to a video of the commercial on Yoplait’s website. Some might suggest that I probably should have checked there first.

Anyway, I think most of you are familiar with these Yoplait commercials. The first one is set in a kitchen with the wife on the phone talking about how much weight she is losing eating junk food. Her husband, presumably fresh from playing Scrabble with a bunch of stuffed animals, gets confused and starts looking for these treats in the fridge. The wife turns around, sees him in the fridge, and then reveals to the world that she secretly beats him after dark in an upstairs closet. 

The theme of domestic abuse isn’t obvious, but Yoplait had to keep it subtle because I doubt much Yoplait yogurt is eaten in prison. In prison, the only yogurt flavor available is Buffalo Back and Sea Salt, and most of the prisoners need to be force fed.

Our first clue that something is wrong is how excited the husband gets when he hears there is possibly something to eat in the house besides his wife’s fist. His facial expression shows this excitement, but the excitement is mixed with something — terror.

That's the face a deer makes before it runs across the field toward the salt lick and gets shot.

The husband yanks open the fridge, frantically searching for something sweet he can stuff in his face. He knows this is wrong. He knows he will be punished, but his stomach doesn’t care; it’s prepared to take the high-heeled kicks. But he can’t find anything, and a fucking pile of yogurt keeps getting in his way. She could turn around any second. She will turn around any second. He needs to abandon this suicide mission. He needs to pull out, just like in his dreams where his wife’s father pulls out and prevents his wife’s terrible existence. Oh fuck, it’s too late.

babe, what are you doing?

He wants to cry out, but the last time that happened she pickled one of his testicles.

The Sequel

Afraid that the first commercial didn’t bring their point home, Yoplait decided to make a sequel. I was a little confused when I saw the husband on the phone, then I figured he had earned this privilege through countless forced oral-sex sessions.

The name of this commercial is “Guy Talk.” I think this is supposed to show us how broken this man’s spirit is; he gets on the phone and all he wants to talk about is yogurt. And look how skinny he is. He really must have gotten the “treatment” after his fuck-up in the first commercial.

He’s not chatting for long before the wife comes in and hears him lying, not just about what he’s been eating but that he’s been eating. There are two things she won’t tolerate: lying and her husband being happy. This situation looks like a combination.

She's doubly angry because if she knew she was going to have to bleed her husband out, she would have worn her "platelet hoodie."

The husband is totally oblivious to her entrance. You’d think he’d be more jumpy by this stage of their relationship. He keeps talking and talking until..

babe?

I think we're supposed to assume that he urinates. The commercial is shot from the waist up to leave an element of mystery.

Conclusion

It’s hard to say if there will be a third installment in this series. The husband has shown remarkable durability over span of  two commercials. The lack of superficial bruises makes me think that his wife works for a cosmetic company.

Yoplait does leave us with something at the end of the “Guy Talk” commercial.  The husband puts a little smile on his face before turning around. This is an obvious attempt to charm his wife into not breaking his writing hand again. The question is — will it work?  It seems like pure suicide but maybe he’s eaten enough yogurt to pull it off..

Radioshack has a new ad campaign that claims Radioshack’s friends call them “The Shack.” Someone high up at Radioshack decided that “Radioshack,” as in a shack filled with radios, was too snobbish, too bourgeoisie to appeal to the average customer.

Here’s why creating an ad campaign that calls your business a shack is a terrible idea.

I was under the impression that Radioshack had no friends, only people who secretly wanted to burn it down

“Shack” Sounds Cheap

I’m not talking about “look at all the deals!” cheap; I’m talking about “Yeah, Cindy’s husband took the house so she moved to some shack in the woods” cheap. I can’t understand why Radioshack would focus on the worst part of their name to try and attract customers. It’d be like Target focusing on “Tar” to drum up business.

Our friends call us "Tar" because once you enter you. can. never. leave.

I understand that a new ad focusing on “Radio” would cause confusion with that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie, but at least customers wouldn’t think of possums every time the commercial aired.

Actually, let’s try out an ad that uses “radio” instead of “shack.”

“Our friends call us Radio  …our friends are all retarded.”

I guess that isn’t much better. If only there was some way to combine “radio” and “shack” into a business name that consumers could identify with without realizing they were buying electronics out of a shack. Oh well.

No One Calls Radioshack “The Shack”

I’ve never heard anyone call Radioshack “The Shack.”  I’ve heard people call Radioshack overpriced, unhelpful, and useless, but I’ve never heard someone call Radioshack a playful pet name.

Who are these people affectionately referring to Radioshack as “The Shack?” The name just doesn’t match how much money Radioshack charges for a little electronic part or a piece of wire. The last time I spent that much money in a shack heroin was involved.

In fact, I’m going to go on the record here and say that when the aliens come down and hide among us, one way we’ll be able to tell them apart from real humans is that they’ll refer to Radioshack as “The Shack.” Then they’ll chant a few pages of the bible backward before exclaiming how much fun they had at the dentist.

People Associate Shacks With Bad Things

I’m guessing none of the corporate-brass at Radioshack have watched a horror movie recently, but people die in shacks. There’s probably someone dying in a shack right now. Here’s a good example — what’s in theaters right now?  District 9? People die in shacks in that movie.

“The Shack” also makes people think of that song “Loveshack.” Apparently, a loveshack is a little place where people get together, in the woods, with their genitals. Specifically, this person.

The pickup line "I have this loveshack in the woods where we can get together" wasn't working, so Fred Schneider added "melody."

The last thing I want to think about while looking at cellphones at Radioshack is Fred Schneider rolling around on a splintered wooden floor with some hitchhiker he tricked into his Cadillac with half a Pop-Tart.

Conclusion

I’d love to know what kind of focus testing Radioshack did before coming out with this “The Shack” ad campaign. Someone, somewhere must have thought it was a good idea. Is this someone from planet earth?  No.  No this someone is not.

Look, Cinergy Health, I can appreciate how difficult it must be to run a health insurance company out of Miami, Florida next to all that Vitamin C, but the commercial I saw last night really makes me question your company’s future.

Cinergy’s commercial follows the same format as most health insurance commercials. Words and pictures flash on the screen as a voice over explains how affordable Cinergy health insurance is, “it’s only 5 dollars a day!” But then the commercial changes from a normal health insurance commercial to a commercial targeted at the percent of the population who could die any second.

Cinergy makes a comparison to demonstrate the affordability of their health insurance.

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“a burger”

Really, Cinergy?  A burger?  Your marketing team decided to go with that over a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, or a bag of fruit? Why is Cinergy, a health insurance company, marketing to the portion of society that is chiefly interested in turning five dollars into a burger.  This just seems like bad business. If I was running Cinergy, the commercial would be totally different.

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“A homeless guy’s heart so when your heart dries up and dies you have a readily available replacement.”

But Cinergy isn’t just marketing to the burger-pounding obese, their pensions slowly draining in five-dollar-drive-through increments. Cinergy also wants the cancer-infused masses as evident by the next part of the commercial.

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“a pack of cigarettes.”

Cigarettes? If you’ve gone this far, why not take it all the way? Who else do you want to insure, Cinergy? Meth addicts?

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“I DON’T CARE JUST GIVE ME IT I NEED IT”

How bout the suicidal?

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“I’m too sad to do math.”

The homicidal?

“What can you buy with five dollars?”

“A new set of fingerprints.”

Our soothing staff will gather around and stare down at you while you die

The entire commercial makes me think that Cinergy has some bet with Allstate to see who can sign the most uninsurable people this year. The commercial does do a good job of telling people who’ve been rejected by every other health insurance company that Cinergy is the place for them. But if Cinergy’s marketing team was a bit more savvy, the commercial could have been one screen with “We insure chain-smoking calorie whores,” maybe not in those exact words.

And like I mentioned above, why is Cinergy interested in people with low life-expectancy? Either Cinergy is totally full of shit and they plan on taking everyone’s money and then never providing any payouts OR they want to harvest corpses for some kind of wheezing, overweight zombie army. I think both are equally plausible.

The other night I saw a commercial for Latisse — “the only FDA approved prescription treatment for inadequate or not enough eyelashes.” I guess this means that Latisse just got the numbers back and decided there are enough people with inadequate lashes in southern New Jersey. I wouldn’t say this is in the top five of southern New Jersey’s problems, but hey.

Latisse has opened a door with this product. If we can grow lashes above our eyes, where else can we grow lashes?  It is FDA approved.

The Upper Lip

Going by my non-existent knowledge of Biology, the upper lip is obviously the best candidate for lash growth. The benefits of having a mustache made entirely out of lashes are obvious. For example, flirting would be a lot easier. I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost a date because I was unable to creepily wink at an attractive girl from across the room. With a lashtache, I could just open and close my mouth while the girl squealed with glee.

And what’s the biggest complaint about mustaches? That’s right — their limited styling options. A lashtache would take well to the application of mascara, extending your lashtache to nearly twice the length for parties or State of the Union addresses.

The Pubic Region

Wait!  Wait.  Click on my ads on the way out.

It will probably be hard to grow lashes on a part of the body other than the face …given my non-existent knowledge of biology. But I think the chance to replace pubic hair with lashes is too beneficial not to try

For centuries, people thought that crying or tearing from the eye was caused by emotions or used by the eye to flush out debris ..like eyelashes. New studies have shown that lashes are superb insulators and that this weeping or tearing is caused by the eye becoming too hot.

Pubic hair is used to keep the genitals warm during winter months or during long, long, long, frustratingly long, stages of inactivity. If pubic hair was replaced with lashes, the amount of conserved heat-energy in the genital region would skyrocket. This could cause more genital growth in both men and women. For severe cases that require maximum genital growth, I recommend wearing a diaper full of Latisse for eight weeks. The resulting lash growth should make your genital-area able to conserve enough energy to heat a medium-sized room. I recently gave away my space-heater.

A side benefit of replacing pubic hair with lashes is that the “penial-stalk” in men becomes covered in lashes. These lashes act like ribbing for her pleasure. I’ve found that they also work great for scratching palm itches.

The Head

The proximity to the eyes should make this one a no-brainer. The head is one of the most dissatisfying regions of the body. Traditional head-hair needs constant washing, blowing, styling, and cutting. When was the last time you had to cut your eye-lashes? Not counting that time you wanted your boyfriend to think you were unstable so he wouldn’t break up with you.

Another benefit of head-lashes is that they should finally help mankind replicate the Dragon Ball Z hairstyle. Teenagers and aimless twenty-somethings have pined over this type of hair for years. Lashes have the unique ability to taper into perfect symmetrical points, a required attribute if one wishes to resemble a cartoon character. With persistence and some dye, the Super Saiyan 3 hairstyle should be easy to accomplish. But I have a feeling that only a few will achieve the much controversial Super Saiyan 4.

"What's that soaring away in the distance? Oh, it's my chance to ever be with a woman."

Other Non-Hair Areas

This will be difficult, but not impossible. If chemicals are concentrated enough, anything can happen. I never thought I could get into Harvard, but thanks to concentrated amounts of alcohol during my admission interview, I was right.

I’ve heard reports of some people successfully growing tongue-lashes. I bet kissing someone with tongue-lashes is like nothing else you’ll ever experience. Actually, it’s probably similar to performing oral sex on someone with pubic-lashes.

Let’s see, there are rumors of lip-lashes, not to be confused with the lashtache. Lip-lashes are reputed to extract nutrients from the air like the tentacles of a sea anemone. I wouldn’t attempt to grow lip-lashes if living near landfills or tanneries.

With enough imagination, the options are endless. But take caution. Never, under no circumstance, unless bet a large sum of money, should anyone ingest Latisse. Painful kidney-lashes are no joke.

I‘ve watched the Verizon company for a while, and I’m finally ready to reveal the blatant discrimination against facial hair that’s present in many of their ad campaigns.

Some will say I’m biased because I have a lush, gorgeous beard. The lushness and gorgeousness of my beard can’t be disputed, but I’m also a loyal Verizon customer. I don’t even own a phone with 3G, but I’m still petrified of dead zones.

It’s time to blow the whistle on Verizon’s hatred of facial hair. Dirty, womanless men everywhere deserve better.

The problem

Verizon either portrays people with facial hair as stupid or evil. It’s true that wearing facial hair has a slight negative effect on the part of your brain located in the face, but tests have determined that the harm done is less than smoking half a joint. Only especially hairy hippies should be concerned.

Facial hair used to be a symbol of regal superiority. All our greatest heroes wore some type of facial hair: Ulysses S Grant, Star Fox, Heathcliff The Cat, Harriet Tubman.

"My beard killed someone for this suit."

"KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT WHILE I EJACULATE"

Verizon’s negative portrayal of people with beards and mustaches not only tramples the memory of these proud patriots but makes it impossible for anyone with a beard to ever again rise to a position of power. Look what happened to Big Al Borland and Al Gore (further research is being done to determine if the name Al had anything to do with it).

"Tim Allen took my house."

The evidence

The characters representing the Verizon company in the Verizon commercials never wear facial hair. This clean-shaven appearance is an obvious attempt to win over segments of the population who refuse to grow facial hair. like babies and fans of Dashboard Confessional. But it is also done to keep bearded or mustached individuals out of the most lucrative commercial jobs.

"My vagina is also hairless."

"My glasses are supposed to make this thumbs-up ironic."

In stark contrast, the facial-haired folk are always the flunkies in Verizon commercials. Matt McCarthy plays the bearded cable guy in the recent Verizon Fios commercials. Despite cable’s constant defeat by Fios and the cable guy’s large amount of free time, McCarthy’s character continues to work for the cable company. Verizon is either saying that bearded people are too stupid to remember the feeling of cashing a paycheck or that no organization other than cable would hire someone with facial hair. And people say that bill for AFURmative Action will die in the House.

"My beard catches the tears I cry everytime I cash a Verizon check."

Verizon is also fond of using people with facial hair in even lesser, more demeaning roles. In another Verizon Fios commercial, the Fios guy is answering user mail. He answers a letter from a lady thanking Fios for on-demand movies. The Fios guy goes on to say how the on-demand movies make it so the lady doesn’t have to wait by the mailbox for movies like some kind of…  But before he can finish his sentence, he notices a mustached gentleman standing behind him, waiting for the mail. We’ll never know what the Fios guy was going to say, but I’m guessing it was along the lines of “dirty-lipped fuckup” or “carpet-mouthed piece of shit.”

The discrimination against facial hair is also present in Verizon’s Verizon Wireless commercials. In one Verizon Wireless commercial about 3G dead zones (shudder), a scruffy tree-farm employee is about to murder an entire family, but changes his mind when he finds out they’re on the Verizon network. Real nice, Verizon. So now people with facial hair aren’t only psychotic but also indecisive.

Verizon goes and makes it worse

Verizon, no doubt feeling the pressure from this unwritten blog post, tried to fix this anti-facial hair problem in their commercials before I stopped playing Plants vs Zombies long enough get this on the site. But like true bigots, Verizon took a problem and compounded it.

There are now two Verizon Fios commercials circulating that feature African American characters who also happen to have facial hair. Great job, Verizon. In your shallow attempt to please both the African American and bearded communities, you’ve succeeded in only angering us more.

"My agent told me I just had to dribble for ten minutes."

In conclusion

I urge you to write Verizon and tell them that this injustice against facial hair will not stand. If you are unable to see a keyboard or piece of paper because your beard has grown over your eyes, try to get someone in your family to write the letter. If everyone in your family lives upstairs instead of with you in the basement, trust your mostly useless legs to carry you up the stairs. I can say without a doubt that this will be the most important thing you ever do.

You probably already know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of physically shifting the temporal landscape, making otherwise horrible events like commuting to work and working at work enjoyable ..by turning them French. And I’m sure you’ve heard about the clinical studies done with the blind and McDonald’s McCafe coffee that finally debunk the myth that blind people can’t drink from straws.

But did you know that McDonald’s McCafe coffee is capable of improving a variety of other things?

Bee stings

When applied to a fresh bee-sting, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is able to neutralize the venom and reduce the swelling of the affected area. One side affect is that the McCafe will eventually dry into a sugary layer, attracting more bees with stingers.

Cancer

Though never proven as an effective cancer treatment, McDonald’s McCafe coffee is French and France’s health care system has won a bunch of awards.

Dieting

McCafe coffee, while not necessarily a diet food, has been reported to cause weight-loss in individuals put on an all McCafe diet. Unfortunately this weight-loss is always followed by death.

Cycling

In all tests, cyclists who hydrated with McCafe coffee before a big race ranked higher in the final standings than cyclists forced to hydrate with McDonald’s McCafe coffee during the race.

Drug Rehabilitation

Studies have shown that addicts given McDonalds McCafe coffee three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, were less likely to fall back into their old drug habits. Work is still being done to determine the correlation of an increased violent-crime rate among these affectionately named McAddicts.

Driving

Drivers drinking McDonald’s McCafe coffee are less likely to have a fatal collision.  However, these drivers are more likely to beep their horns behind people in line at McDonald’s drive-throughs, try to barter down the price of gas at gas stations, and only buy music from celebrity artists who have recently died.

Geico’s “The Money You Could be Saving” line of commercials are great marketing tools. They combine Geico’s flair for creepiness with the savvy gamble that people like money.

Geico’s next group of commercials use the formula of the “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials but take Geico’s advertising to, in my opinion, the next level.

Some History

Geico has struggled for years to find the perfect character that symbolized money. The Gecko was close. He was green like money and exotic like the idea of having a lot of money. The cavemen were better. They went to fancy parties, lived in expensive apartments, and were worth a lot of money if captured and sold into scientific slavery.

With the “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials, Geico finally realized that symbolism is a dead art, like Macrame or drawing Nintendo characters in Paint. The “money” in “The Money You Could be Saving” commercials is an actual stack of money instead of something like a T-Rex with diamonds for eyes. (His name could be “Ice-Rx” with the “Rx” standing for “prescription” and the “ice” standing for diamonds, so diamond prescription. And diamonds are worth a lot of money. So Geico has the prescription for money.  Awesome, right?    …Fuck you guys.  Geico, call me.)

For their next batch of advertising, Geico is taking literal to a whole new level with the “Money To Buy This Now” commercials. The idea behind these commercials is that no one puts saved money in the bank, instead they just immediately spend it on things like little Ed’s medicine or a replacement for the broken sex-swing.

Geico’s Next Set Of Commercials

These new commercials eliminate the popular stack of money with eyes and replace it with a popular consumer-good with eyes. The consumer-good used varies by state.  For example, in states like North Dakota and Colorado, the new “Money To Buy This Now” commercial starts with a husband and wife arguing in slurred voices about the wife passing out all afternoon instead of washing the husband’s dress tank tops. In shuffles Geico’s new mascot, Thirsty, a giant Feckin whiskey bottle featuring those two peering eyes. The husband and wife stop arguing, look at each other, and then rush to the phone to call Geico. The commercial ends with the wife, covered in blood, passing out in the pickup on the way to the liquor store.

The “Money To Buy This Now” commercial airing on the east coast features an average family sitting around the living room.  The kids are watching something on TV while the dad handles the bills at the kitchen table in the adjoining room. The youngest child, a girl, gets up from the couch and, dragging her teddy bear by his foot, walks into the kitchen to tug on her father’s pant leg. The man smiles, looks down, and asks what his sweet dear wants. The young child starts screaming for ice cream.

The little girl howls and kicks and yells. The dad tries to quiet her, but he can’t. He runs to the kitchen, tearing open the cabinets in a frantic search for something sweet to stuff in her mouth. There’s nothing. The house is barren of snack. He pulls out his wallet only to find it too empty. Just as he grabs a plastic bag off the counter and closes his eyes, in slides the new Geico mascot, Sweets, a huge dripping ice cream cone with two eyes pressed into the mass of melting vanilla. The young child stops crying immediately. The dad grabs the phone and calls Geico. In the last scene of the commercial, the relieved father is sitting at the table with his little girl, watching her take the last bite of her ice cream cone. She chews it up, swallows, and starts screaming for more ice cream.

Geico is also focus-testing several other new mascots and some of the results are surprising.  Sticky the giant syringe is obviously doing well in places like California, but is also scoring high in every rich, white community in the country. Shockingly, Plungy the giant lifelike dildo is receiving a lot of good feedback from the elderly population. When questioned about Plungy’s appeal, most seniors stated that they could easily relate to Plungy’s wrinkly texture.

This new marketing strategy is another radical step by Geico. I see it taking a proud place in a long line of sometimes confusing, sometimes unsettling, but always original advertising.

We all know that lovable Snuggle Bear from the Snuggle fabric softener commercials. He’s been with Snuggle since 1983 in a mutually lucrative relationship that I’m guessing started when both parties figured out they had the same name.

Snuggle Bear is known for his creepy obsession with softness, freshness, and cuddling; which makes him and the Snuggle brand a perfect match. But before he started working with Snuggle, his peculiarities made it hard to work for other employers.

Mattress Salesman

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 conversation with the manager of a Sleepy’s mattress store–

Manager Mark: “We can’t name a mattress line after you, Snuggle.  We don’t do that and besides you’ve only been here a week.”

Snuggle: “But none of these mattresses are as soft as me!”

Mark: “Snuggle, if you don’t like any of our mattresses, why do you want to name yourself after one of our lines?”

Snuggle: “Once people lay on me, they won’t care what name is on the label.”

Mark: “…Wait.  I’m confused here. We’re talking about mattresses, right?”

Snuggle: “Do you want to lay on me, Mark?”

Mark: “What?”

Snuggle: “Come on, Mark.  You look tired.”

Mark: “Snuggle … I …  I don’t know how we got on this topic, but I’m your boss and this really isn’t appropriate.”

Snuggle: “Touch my fur.”

Mark: “Snuggle”

Snuggle: “Touch. My. Fur.”

Mark: “Th..”

Snuggle: “touchmyfurtouchmyfurtouchmyfur”

~

Computer Hardware Engineer

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 IBM interview–

Supervisor John: “So what kind of engineering experience have you had, Mr. Bear.”

Snuggle: “I have less static cling.”

John checks his notes

John: “Mr. Snuggle Bear, correct?”

Snuggle: “Weeeee! that’s me!”

John: “I need you to leave.”

~

Cashier at Wendy’s

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1978 Wendy’s job interview–

Snuggle: “I hear your hamburgers are cuddle fresh.”

Assistant Manager Rick:  “Umm, we use fresh ground beef for our..”

Snuggle: “So your burgers are cuddle fresh.”

Rick: “I don’t know what you mean by cuddle..”

Snuggle: “They’re cuddle fresh. Great. I’ll take the job.”

Rick: “We didn’t even start the interview yet.”

–Snuggle’s first day of work at Wendy’s–

Snuggle: “weeeeeeeee!  I’m so excited to be here Rick!”

Rick: “Try to keep your voice down when there are customers in..”

Snuggle: “Where do I make the cuddle fresh burgers!?”

Rick: “You’ll be working up front at the..”

Snuggle throws himself on the pile of meat patties by the grill, rolling around and sniffing furiously

Snuggle: “FUCK I SMELL LIKE MEAT”

~

Phone Sex Operator

Snuggle: “Hi! We’re the phone sex line that’s really less expensive.”

Customer: “Tell me what you’re wearing.”

Snuggle: “I’m a bear, so I’m not wearing anything.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re a bit hairy huh?  I like that in a man.”

Snuggle: “I’m a bear.”

Customer: “… Umm, how do you feel, Mr. Bear.”

Snuggle: “I’m cuddly soft!”

Customer: “But I bet you’re getting pretty hard.”

Snuggle: “… … … No.  I’m soft.”

Customer: “What kind of sex line is this?”

Snuggle: “We’re really less expensive!”

~

Circus Performer

–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1981 interview with Ringling Brothers Circus–

Snuggle: “Do I have to wear these chains.”

Ring Leader Drew: “You’re a bear.”

Snuggle: “Ok, but when I do the show I want to enter the ring by flying over the audience by parachute so I can yell ‘weeeeeeeeeeeeee’ all the way down.”

Drew: “You’re a bear.”

Snuggle: “And then I want to run up and down the aisles so all the kids can touch me and rub me and tell me how soft I am.”

Drew: “…”

Snuggle: “And then I want to spray perfume on the audience and sing and dance and have time for all the kids to come down and smell and perfume and get cuddles and…”

Drew: “You’ll be in a cage in the certain of the arena.  The audience can take pictures of you snarling at the bars for a few minutes and then I walk in and hit you with a stool.”

Snuggle: “These chains are hurting my fur.”

Drew: “A stool and a whip.”

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