Every time a Netflix movie arrives, a piece of paper needs to get removed from the top of the envelope to get at the movie. When I lived in a house with wood stove, I used this scrap paper to start the stove. This probably released a bunch of chemicals into the air from Netflix’s red dye meeting flame, but I didn’t mind because I always wanted to sprout a dedicated masturbation tentacle.

One woman came up with her own solution for these scrap Netflix sheets. And I truly believe that it takes a special person to turn hideous Netflix garbage into wallpaper for a room that isn’t being used to torture suspected terrorists. This lady voluntarily uses a room that looks like it should be featured on a TLC program about mental illness. I wish I was made from such stern stuff.

She dusts by setting the walls on fire.

I’m not really getting her abstract style. Would it have killed her to put the envelopes on the wall in some kind of uniform manner? This random arranging of the envelopes looks like it was done by some kid she locked in the room with a stack of Netflix envelopes and a bottle of caffeine pills. Maybe we’re witnessing a new child punishment technique. We can’t tell from the picture, but first she makes the kid watch a bunch of shitty Netflix rentals.

I wonder how she designed the rest of her house:

“Let’s go check out the kitchen. If you didn’t notice, I designed the walls in a ramen noodle motif. The technique is pretty simple: First I made my kid eat a bunch of ramen noodles. Oh, he liked it at first, but then I made him eat them dry. Next, I made the kid glue all the ramen packages to the walls of the kitchen. Finally, I sprayed industrial strength epoxy over the whole mess. I think it’s really added to the resale value.”

“This is the spare bedroom or “study” as my husband calls it when he isn’t making up excuses to be away from his house that I’ve turned into a dream Willy Wonka had that time he almost died from eating poisoned snuffle cherumps from the forest of sugar snot. If you look at the floor, you’ll notice I shredded a bunch of subscription renewal cards from Time magazine, mixed the shredded paper with mashed potato mix, and then spackled the floor in a cross-hatch pattern. The final touch is a random spattering of roach corpses after they came to eat the potato and got caught in my sticky web of design ingenuity!”

Maybe I’m being unfair. The room could look worse. I’m thinking about a way the room could look worse.

~Thanks Urlesque

The dating scene is hard. We can’t all be “funny” or “interesting” or “holding down a steady job.” And even if you somehow manage to convince someone that the blood on your jacket is from when you cut your hand opening cans of food for the homeless, how can you be sure that that person shares your interests?

People have tried inventing solutions to this problem for years. This is why people hang out in groups. If you’re in the emo group and you meet a girl who’s also in the emo group, there’s a good chance both of you can connect over bad poetry. If you’re a jock and you meet another jock, you can safely assume that you both enjoy having sex surrounded by mirrors.

But what happens if your tastes run a little strange? Say, for example, you’re really fond of baby-skeletons. How do you let suitors know that you enjoy getting pregnant and then filming the abortion for your followers on YouTube?

If this is how Superman sees the world, who would want that fucking job?

For starters, you get an insanely creepy tattoo of a baby’s skeleton on your stomach. I guess the next step is buying a lot of belly-shirts and then hitting the clubs. Anthropologists probably love this tattoo because it finally answers the long debated question of whether or not crazy people wear a lot of belly-shirts.

Maybe this tattoo is just a really misguided attempt to get attention away from that birth mark. Or maybe she went to the tattoo shop to get a tattoo of her newborn baby’s face, but then she found out that the only tattoo artist she could afford was “Jimmy Blade” who only tattoos skulls, skeletons, and anarchy signs. But I don’t see an anarchy sign anywhere, so that story doesn’t work.

I think we’re back to the “crazy lady looking for equally crazy guy” theory. Maybe she’s hoping there’s a guy walking around with a tattoo of a baby’s skin on his testicles. Wouldn’t that be a match made in heaven? Talk about winning the game of life.

As ridiculous as the tattoo is, I think she’s found a way to beat the system. She no longer has to sit at bars and hope that one of the guys in the room is crazy enough to appreciate her collection of baby rattles found within 50 yards crime scenes. Now she can just walk into a bar, spin around in a circle a couple times with her stomach exposed, and gauge the overall feeling of the room based on how many beer bottles hit her in the face.

Please don’t email me asking for this lady’s contact information. The “skeleton baby” section of my Rolodex was too full. That Rolodex joke was for my elderly readers.

~Thanks Your Tattoo Sucks

The ad campaign for the movie 2012 has two goals. The first goal is to convince people that they are going to die in two years when the world ends. The second goal is to then convince those people that their remaining time alive is best spent sitting through two hours of CGI explosions and John Cusack’s acting.

I think the 2012 advertising is my favorite movie advertising of all time. It takes the cheesy disaster movie advertising of the 90′s and tries to amp it up for a society desensitized by actual disasters like 911 and Katrina. The result is a mix of ridiculous advertising stunts with a fucked-up undercurrent. Here in Philadelphia, companies advertise on big billboards next to the bridges. The idea is that when you’re stuck in traffic, you can stare at gigantic pictures of burgers until your stomach bursts through your skin and takes the wheel. The dollar menu was actually created so people had money left to get their stomachs stitched back in.

The marketing team behind 2012 decided that they too would advertise on the big bridge billboards. But unlike McDonalds and Mattress Giant, the 2012 campaign is advertising a movie about earth-ending natural disasters that wipes out humankind. And they are advertising this on a bridge. A fucking bridge that’s just swaying in the evening smog. The last thing people on a bridge need to think about is scenes from the end of the world. Guess what isn’t going to survive the end of the world? Bridges.

The marketing company in charge of this 2012 campaign knows this. They know it’s fucked up to advertise mankind’s downfall on a rusty bridge, so they check themselves by making the ads as cheesy as possible. The billboard ads for 2012 don’t say “2012: We’re Fucked” or “In Thee Year 2012, God Eats Your family” or “2012: Who Will You Bury First?” The ads read “2012: We Were Warned.”

We were warned? Oh I see, the whole idea that the world is going to end is based on some myth about the Mayan calendar. So the Mayans tried to warn us about the end of the world even though they had no idea our civilization would exist. Even if they were trying to warn us, what were we supposed to do? Pray more? Construct a backup planet out of wire mesh? Shutdown every sports team and funnel the saved money into personal safety bubbles for every man, woman, and child?

I don't remember anyone ever warning me about computer-generated waves.

These ads work in a strange way. At first you’re like “wait a second, I’m on a bridge and I’m not John Cusack, so I’m fucked.” But then you read the “we were warned” and you’re like “this movie is going to suck.” It’s a delicate balance, but the 2012 team managed to pull it off. It’s like seeing an ad for a movie called “Global Terrorist Kills Everyone” but then finding out the terrorist character is played by Carlos Mencia.

This balance probably won’t help 2012 do well at the theaters, but it stops people from setting the billboards on fire.

Thanks to shows like True Blood, it’s hard to pretend to be a vampire these days without actively biting people and going to jail. Fortunately, the company Harcos has a solution that can keep wannabe vampires from the tip of the taser long enough for them to snap out of it and maybe get into college.

Harcos is a company that makes energy drinkers for gamers. Their previous drinks include Mana Energy Drink and Health Energy Drink. Health Energy Drink is red and comes in an old-timey bottle, so you’d think that would be enough for people who crave real blood. Think again. The demand for a realistic bloody energy drink was so high that Harcos created Blood Energy Potion. I guess they added “potion” to the name to appeal to people who think they’re both vampires and wizards.

Remember the days when people drank refreshments out of bottles like functioning human-beings? Fuck those days. That shit is done. Now the container that the liquid comes in is just as important as the liquid itself.

Blood Energy Potion doesn’t come in a beaker or a plastic bottle. It comes in a genuine IV bag because that’s where real blood is stored. How else can people be sure they’re drinking real blood? And, more importantly, who’s going to know they’re drinking real blood unless a fucking IV bag full of blood gets slapped down on a desk during an English lecture?

Nurse! Give me 500 ccs of FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Oh look, it’s “fangtastic fruit punch” flavor. Until now, the only place you could get fruit punch flavored blood was one of those islands where all they ate are coconuts and pineapples. And, to be honest, that blood still tastes sort of like blood.

The bag also has directions on the back to warm the blood up to 98.6 degrees. That’s handy if your psychologist hasn’t already taken away your microwave privileges.

I guess Harcos has a big enough niche market to sell an energy drink the looks, feels, and comes packaged like real blood. I can understand it selling well during Halloween and as an impulse buy because it’s fucking ridiculous, but who’s going to the store and buying Blood Energy Potion during Christmas? Do fake vampires even celebrate Christmas? You’d think all the Jesus talk and pictures of angels would at least make a pretend vampire come down with a cold. And what would vampires ask for on Christmas? The warm touch of another? It must be hard not getting that year after year.

Are you tired of being bullied? Are constant beatings making it hard for you to participate in after school activities like Eyeshadow Club and Abacus Team? Do you hate the use of your legs? Don’t worry. I found a video that should help put you into a coma so you never have to worry about those things ever again.

This thing looks legit even though it is completely ridiculous. I’m guessing that the people who made this immediately founded a start up company to manufacture and sell kid coffins.

It’s safe to assume that the music playing in the beginning is coming directly out of that big kid’s shirt.

“We should call you Dumbo. I mean, look at your ears!”

“Yeah, elephant ears!”

I appreciate how the video doesn’t display bullies as a cliche bunch of mindless idiots. These bullies obviously have a complex knowledge of pop culture.

There are some parts of this thing that aren’t to be missed. I’m going to do some commentary on a couple choice frames.

He's getting bullied right there! SAVE HIM.

This little prick is more concerned with his PSA career than helping one of his own. He could have at least hit the little bully with that book before the big bully made him and the other nerd make out.

This is an example of a gang kid. Look at those Dockers. You only get a pair of those after turning in forty enemy ears.

This kid is supposedly wearing gang clothing. Was there some 90′s Freddy Krueger gang that I don’t know about?

“No one understands our scary ability to manipulate the dreams of B-list actors”

She's teaching him how to apply product.

Her tip here is “be careful not to grab the hair loosely, it will make the hair-pull less effective.” So these kids can’t even pull hair correctly? This is starting to sound less like bullying and more like natural selection.

Buuuuuullllllyyyyy SLAP.

She calls this a “slap,” but it’s more of a “crushing elbow to the skull.” I guess calling it a slap is a good defense when the police ask you why so and so is in the ER getting wire threaded through his cheek.

“I barely slapped him, Officer!”

High socks distract the bully, much like a zebra's stripes.

Her line here is “don’t rollover on your stomach because the bully will grab your head and bounce it off the sidewalk.” That’s the actual line. I don’t have anything to say.

A magazine? Is this guy Jason Bourne?

The good thing about carrying around a magazine is that you’ll have something to read in the hospital. …Unless the bully takes out your eyes. If that’s the case, let’s hope you didn’t try to defend yourself with your walkman.

After the dramatic decline in the Backstreet Boys popularity with sexual predators between the ages of 30 and 70, a decline blamed solely on Kevin Richardson, the “follow you into the bathroom” Backstreet Boy, leaving the band, the Backstreet Boys need all the publicity they can get.

That Nick Carter is getting older by the second, soon babies won’t be able to masturbate to his face. And I just heard that the Backstreet Boy that dresses up like a werewolf has swine flu. The band needs help.

Fortunately, some brave souls from the Internet decided to step in and give the boys a little free publicity.

Now, this probably would have been more helpful if these people had lip-synched to a song off the new Backstreet Boy album “This is Us.” But I don’t think the Backstreet Boys even know all the words to those songs. And “This is Us” is the Backstreet Boys without Kevin Richardson. The video above has five people singing. Actually, the fifth person seems to be looking for a new job but at least she’s in the room. This makes me question why Kevin Richardson can’t fill out applications while the rest of the Backstreet Boys dance around on stage. It just seems selfish, really.

This stunt should help the Backstreet Boys get a couple more Google hits. It made me search to see if the group was still together. That’s a long way from buying the new album, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Actors are their own brands. The roles they play help to reinforce or change these brands. Adrien Brody decided he no longer wanted his brand to be synonymous with Cure albums and questionable sexuality, so he took the leading role as a badass, bowie-knife fellating mercenary in the upcoming Predators film.

A lot of people think that Brody is a terrible choice for the film. The consensus is that Adrien Brody, Oscar award winner for his ability to convincingly play a character in a motion picture, won’t be able to convincingly play a character in a motion picture named Predators.

I think Brody will do fine, but I’m more interested in how this new role can help Adrien Brody’s brand.

New Audience

It’s difficult to pinpoint the classic Adrien Brody fan. If forced, I would say that Adrien Brody fans are the group of people keeping Zima in business. But I’m sure his fan base also extends to people who frequent salons and women who fantasize about gentle guys because they’re afraid that a rougher looking star like Gerard Butler would choke them out during sex.

This Predators role could help Adrien Brody expand his audience to the rest of America, and by “rest of America” I mean people who schedule blocks of time to play first person shooters. Coincidentally, this is the group still reeling from Terminator:Salvation.

To attract this new audience, Adrien Brody needs to make sure his character is designed for the audience. The character is already part of a movie where intergalactic hunter aliens travel the universe in search of quarry, so that’s a good start. The appearance of the character is also important.

Here’s a picture of classic Adrien Brody. This is an example of the type of picture that men and women suffering from rape trauma carry around in their wallets.

Notice the doe-like eyes. I'm not sure why his finger is near his mouth, but it probably has something to do with fig juice or a scratch he received brushing a unicorn's mane.

That image won’t help attract Adrien Brody’s new audience; he’s too harmless looking, he doesn’t have any facial hair, and he has no genetic imperfections that people can relate to, like an eyebrow scar, one eye that lists to the left, or carpal tunnel.

Going through some Adrien Brody pictures while I let my penis do the clicking, I found one that comes close to my idea for Adrien’s new image.

He's got a beard in this one. Unfortunately, he's wearing some kind of bonnet. He could salvage this look if he cut his hair, replaced that bandanna with a necklace of molars, and wrung out a couple infants over top of that shirt.

To see my ideal look, we’ll have to settle for this artistic rendering.

He's crying blood because he just got done beating an incredibly attractive Predator to death with her brother's dismembered arm.

New Endorsements

To date, Adrien Brody’s most meaningful endorsement deal was with Diet Pepsi. His new badass persona should help him expand his list of endorsements to previously unattainable brands like Monster Energy Drink and Rockstar Energy Drink.

Acting in Predators also makes it possible for Adrien Brody to star in his own video game. Prior to Predators, it was hard for Brody to break into the market because all the female leads in games are traditionally played by females.

The production value of the box is so low because everyone is afraid Predators will have at least one scene where Adrien's character is crying.

I’m assuming that Adrien’s character in Predators will use guns, unless the producers want to expand on Brody’s ability to defeat evil by playing the piano. Do gun companies work with celebrities? I can only remember examples of guns working against celebrities.

New Roles

If this whole Predators thing goes well, directors will line up to hire Adrien Brody for starring roles in action movies. That Species franchise could use a reboot. It has aliens in it and, more importantly, sex with aliens — something Brody’s post-Predators audience can appreciate. Speaking of aliens, what’s to stop Adrien Brody from bringing the Aliens franchise back from the dead? He could star alongside Sigourney Weaver. It shouldn’t matter that Weaver is taller and has more upper body strength. If there’s a tough fight in the movie, Sigourney can pick Adrien up and let him kick with his legs.

Animated features could also be big for Brody. I hear that Pixar is thinking about making an action movie for a more mature audience. Rabid Robots Getting Their Nails Done should have huge crossover appeal with Adrien involved.

Conclusion

Adrien Brody is taking a risk with Predators, but risks have worked for him in the past if we don’t count The Village, The Darjeeling Limited, Hollywood Land, or King Kong. There’s no reason why Predators won’t be a success.

I don’t think Adrien Brody will win another Oscar for his acting in Predators, but that was probably never going to happen anyway. If he does somehow manage to win an Oscar or get nominated, expect Elijah Wood to replace Hugh Jackman in the next Wolverine movie.

This is a great opportunity for Adrien Brody to expand his brand and take his career to the next level.

According to this article, adults are concerned that new Camel Orbs mints target kids. The new nicotine mints are being marketed as an alternative to smoking and as a solution to the increasing difficulty of contracting saliva cancer.

The people who say that the mints attract kids have a few good points:

It’s in a colorful candy box and looks just like candy.

It’s something that looks like a treat..

Nicotine is nicotine.

Great points. Really. I think the people against the new mints are focused on the wrong aspect of Camel Orbs. These mints appeal to kids not because they’re mints and look like candy. They appeal to kids because they contain nicotine.

Kids Hate Mints

If you gave a kid two dollars and told her to pick out anything she wanted from the candy aisle, there’s absolutely no fucking way she would come back with a can of Altoids. Ok, she might come back with Altoids once because she doesn’t know what they are, but she’d learn her lesson later when you force fed her the entire canister to teach her the importance of not wasting money.

When I was little, my pockets never contained a pack of mints. Mints are for people who anticipate kissing something other than the torn page from Barley Legal they found in the woods. My pockets contained dead spiders and pieces of razor blades. Ironically, this was also the contents of Kelly Sadpussy’s vagina in the Barley Legal emo issue.

Kids will always select something that doesn’t taste like mint when it comes to candy, so the arguments that Camel Orbs look like candy and come packaged in a colorful container are void. Actually, Camel Orbs “fresh” probably taste like overpowering mint with a back end of nicotine and metal — the combination of an old carny’s mouth and the handle of a slot machine. I’m not sure what Camel Orbs “mellow” is supposed to taste like. Bourbon? Peppermint bourbon? Man, that does sound delicious.

If my interpretation of this "youth appeal" meter from meltdownva.com is correct, the only way Camel Orbs could be more appealing to kids is if they were shaped like animal crackers.

This is a little off-topic, but I hate the argument that the mints come in a colorful container.  Kids aren’t the only people who like colorful things. I’m glad that everything I buy doesn’t come packaged in a brown shoebox with a list of the most depressing crying positions. This is why I live in America and not a place like North Korea where everything comes packaged in drab sleeves made from abandoned bomb-casing. The more I think about it, an overly colorful container could keep kids away from Camel Orbs:

Teacher: “MARK, what was that pulsing neon pink thing with the tassels that you just put in your pocket?”

Mark: “Nothing, Mrs. Sanders.”

Mrs. Sanders: “I can see it pulsing through your pocket, Mark.”

Mark: “It’s my … uhh.. vibrator? Yeah,  my vibrator.”

If Camel came out with nicotine gummy bears or nicotine pixie sticks, I could see how kids might be happier, more alert, and at an overwhelming risk for heart disease just because they love candy.

Kids Love Nicotine

Here’s where parents should focus their anger — the love kids have for nicotine.  Of course, most kids don’t know that they love nicotine. I didn’t know I love having gin for breakfast, but now I practically fly downstairs in the morning. The problem with these Camel Orbs is that they make it easier for kids to try a nicotine product. Smoking is messy and smelly and banned almost everywhere, so it’s hard for kids to light up. Eating mints is accepted most everywhere except for a few places in China where they are trying to keep people from reproducing.

I do have a solution to the problem. Parents need to focus on forcing Camel to make these Orbs do something that makes it difficult for kids to use the mints without detection. Could the mints release some sort of vapor that gave surrounding people cancer? Or maybe the mints could just give people really bad breath, bad breath with a unique aroma so others know it was caused by Camel Orbs. I don’t care how many test tubes the bio-engineers at Camel have to go through to make breath smell like a fresh dump inside a rotting armadillo carcass; the R&D costs be damned. This is our children we’re talking about.

It’s funny to think of a dinosaur attack as a beneficial occurrence, but, if marketed correctly, it can be very helpful to a small business. There are risks involved; the insurance companies I contacted were reluctant to offer coverage for dinosaur attacks. Most even refused to cover flood damage when I used the phrase “flood of dinosaurs.”

Dinosaur attacks are also unpredictable. Some people may never encounter a dinosaur while others are attacked multiple times each week. What are the odds that Michael Crichton, writer of Jurassic Park, would be attacked and killed by a dinosaur? His “throat cancer” is a perfect example of what happens when you try to defend against a dinosaur attack with your throat.

But if you’re lucky enough to get attacked and then harness the attack correctly, it can be very beneficial to a small business. 

1.) Exposure

Let’s say you own a struggling acorn business. Your parents told you that selling acorns was a terrible idea. “People won’t buy what they can find on the ground,” your mother said. Your father, his vocal chords shredded from the acorn jam you fed him last Christmas, just shook his head and took a puff off his morphine inhaler.

There are only a couple ways to turn your business around:

• burn it down
• flood it
• get attacked by dinosaurs

The first two options won’t get much exposure for your business. Acorn stores burn down all the time, especially ones specializing in experimental acorn fuel. And even though flooding is especially harmful to an acorn business because it can cause the acorns to root and lose their completely hypothetical medicinal properties, it happens every day. The only way your friends and neighbors will take notice of your business’s demise is if a herd of raptors pick the lock on the back door and dismember the two Mexican toddlers you have shoveling acorns into the industrial lotion machine.

Dinosaur attacks are random, but it's possible to entice dinosaurs to your establishment. I suggest posing a challenge. A sign above the door could read "Clever girl huh? Let's see your chicken-hand open a titanium-sleeved morse-tumbler lock."

I guarantee that once you rebuild and rake a fresh layer of dirt over the floor, people will flock to your store just to see where the dinosaurs vomited after eating the entire display of “acorn juice” and where they shit in, around, and on top of the cash register.

2.) Product Diversity

Now that your store has suffered a dinosaur attack, it’s important to capitalize on the attack by offering a unique product. This will bring in some extra revenue while you wait for the local trauma ward to test the new acorn burn salve.

The easiest product to bring to market is a book about the dinosaur attack. It doesn’t matter if you weren’t at the store when the attack happened. This is a dinosaur attack; no one knows what’s supposed to happen. Write about how the dinosaurs had light sabers and how the big one force-pushed you when you went for your gun. Do dinosaurs spit grenades? I don’t know, do they?

You should position the completed book at the back of the store so people have to walk through the rest of your unsellable merchandise to pick up a copy. Some stores can get away with making customers buy a certain amount of other products to get the book half off. The “buy ten boxes of acorn band-aids before you can even handle ‘Midnight Dinosaur Graveyard Engine: The True Story of a Dinosaur Attack’” strategy is risky but could pay off.

The new product budget took a hit after the last batch of acorn oven mitts sporadically melted users' hands.

3.) Scientific Consulting Work

Scientists love dinosaurs. Don’t believe me? The next time you’re at any type of scientific convention, yell out “Journey to the Center of the Earth wasn’t a documentary!” and see how many oatmeal baths you have to take later to reduce the slap-blisters. This love for dinos puts you in a unique position to offer your expertise as a dinosaur attack survivor.

Scientists pay big bucks to consultants with a bonus if they sit through a couple games of Stratego. To get hired, I suggest making some crazy claim along the lines of “I bet you guys still think Triceratops isn’t a meat eater, huh?” or “Guess how Brontosaurus reproduces? Have you ever heard of ‘neck ovaries’?”

I bet scientists still think those forks are used to gather leaves.

The scientists have no way to test any of your claims, so you should be able to make up a bunch of nonsense while they run around the room chattering before fighting over the “good” microscope. In the downtime, you can finish the sketch of the new acorn pacifier.

Conclusion

Of course, all this information is void if you don’t survive the dinosaur attack. Since dinosaur attacks are so hard to predict, it’s impossible to offer any advice on not getting eaten. Unfortunately, the testing for the new acorn ballistic armor isn’t going well (acorns keep cracking during both the “hollow-point” and “step on with shoes” tests.)

But I guarantee that if you can survive a successful dinosaur attack and then follow these steps, your business will become more profittable and successful than you ever imagined.

ABC News has a story linked from Google News titled “3 Americans Share 2009 Nobel Medicine Prize.” The headline isn’t that bad, even if it doesn’t contain any mention of Godzilla. ABC was smart to include “Americans” in the title, so people click on the article just to find out how three Americans won anything and on top of that are able to share.

I didn’t read any of the article because, again, the title didn’t mention Godzilla, but I assume that the article is about three scientists getting money for doing something with medicine. My interpretation is that that “something” involved chugging a large quantity of grape Sudafed and then trying to lasso pigeons, but you’re free to make your own interpretation.

The problem with this ABC News article is the picture they chose to run with the story.

Wait, one of the scientists is a statue? Statues can win awards now?!? THIS IS WHAT MICHELANGELO WARNED US ABOUT.

The above picture implies that one of the winning scientists, Jack W. Szostak, is a statue that these two ladies have been resting beakers on and using to crack walnuts. I could have done both those things if I knew there was a prize involved.

Without the statue picture, the headline is adequate. But after seeing the statue picture, I think ABC could have done so much more with the headline. I’ll offer some suggestions off the top of my head:

“2 Crazy Americans Bring Statue to Award Show and Win”

“Jack W. Szostak Wins Nobel Prize While Encased in Carbonite”

“Nobel Medicine Ceremony Raises the Question: Who’s Fucking the Statue?”

“2 Americans and Statue of Unknown Origin Win Nobel Prize for ‘Most Creative Research Team.’”

“Godzilla Turns a Scientist to Stone! ‘More like the Nobel Prize for Freezing like a Pussy,’ Says Godzilla.”

This seems like a simple communication error, but there’s probably an internal power-struggle at ABC News. In the coming weeks, we’ll see more and more articles with headlines that are intentionally sabotaged by pictures. For example, “President Obama Loses the Public Option” and the first picture is an immigrant with dollar signs for eyes getting open heart surgery.