The new viral ads for Tekken 6 ask the question “what will you fight for?” The answer, if you’re a woman, is a pair of shoes and a hair-straightener.

So, again, if you’re female, a pair of shoes and a fifteen dollar hair-styling device are worth beating another person unconscious. Actually, they’re worth beating another woman unconscious. It’s assumed that guys are too busy fighting over things like footballs and 6-packs of Coors.

Before I saw this video, I never realized that women strip down to their underwear before engaging in a dispute. This must be a woman vs woman thing because my girlfriend has no problem screaming at me while fully clothed.

RED'S MY COLOR YOU FUCKING BITCH

A little back story could help these videos not be so offense. Maybe both these women got trapped on some terrible dreamscape where the only thing of value is female clothing and accessories. They both already sold every piece of clothing except their underwear — seems silly, I know. I mean, if you need to survive, self-respect comes second. But these are two proud women who refuse to become naked and helpless, quivering in the heat from the sulfur geysers.

That pair of shoes is the last item of value they have before they have to strip down and hide from the probing tongues of the garbage imps. No wonder they are fighting over it.

LET GO YOU FUCKING CUNT. I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW.

Maybe these ladies are confused and think that hair thing is really a stapler. That I could see fighting over. How are you supposed to keep your papers organized? A paperclip?  These women aren’t savages.

I like the bright lighting and smoke. Are they fighting in a combination sauna/tanning salon or a Madonna video? Maybe the girl in the blue “top” just spent too long in one of the tanning beds and that combined with the room’s humidity made her go crazy.

I know one thing for sure — a lot of nerds will be dissappointed on October 30th when Tekken 6 comes out and the game is nothing like this video. “Why isn’t the other charcter half-naked and holding a pair of shoes?  Why am I even fighting? WHAT’S MY MOTIVATION?!?”

Now that I have a few posts up, it’s a good time to ask you to visit my video game comedy blog Gamebane. Basically, it’s me talking about video games. So, yes, the same low-standards apply.

I didn’t want to clutter up this site with a bunch of video game talk. just like I don’t want to clutter up gamebane.com’s video game humor angle with a bunch of commentary on commercials that feature too much elephant sex.

So visit, comment, tell me what you think.

Thanks for the support.

This Destructoid story features a trailer for the upcoming PS3 game Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2. Usually, a trailer is meant to advertise a new game by showing off exciting game play or impressive visuals. Tecmo, the company behind Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, went with a different approach and released a trailer on the player’s ability to jiggle breasts.

This is a risky move by Tecmo. It’s a move that spits in the face of convention by focusing on a very small game play mechanic to advertise the entire game. Actually, what am I talking about? Tecmo released a trailer that features giant breasts the user can control by moving the controller. I hope they rented a second factory to press copies.

But let’s examine this trailer a bit further.

If the people in the trailer accurately represent the Japanese gaming community, the Japanese government might want to name the release date a national holiday. Hopefully someone at Tecmo contacted Jergens so they can ramp up production.

The motion made in the trailer could symbolize masturbation, but I’m a little concerned about the form. This trailer and game may be an introduction to masturbation for a lot of people. Right now, it looks like Tecmo is teaching very poor technique.

It seems very risky to mimic your hand’s movement with your head and neck. Sometimes, like while masturbating on horseback or while calming your nerves before the Titantic sinks, it’s impossible not to move your head and neck. But doing so on a regular basis is asking for long-term health problems.

All of Tecmo’s advice isn’t bad. On their YouTube page for the video, the description reads “Be Silent.” I think this is good advice for the would-be masturbator, especially if other people are in the house or if you’re under the bed of a small child.

Maybe I’ve Got It All Wrong

It’s easy to watch this trailer and think that the movements symbolize masturbation but maybe the whole thing is innocent. I mean, look at that guy in the robe near the end of the trailer. Who gets into a robe and pours himself a glass of wine before jerking off? I’ve heard of winos jerking off into robes they found by the subway, but that’s different.

I watched the trailer again to be sure that I wasn’t being too hard on Tecmo, and I did notice something.

Look at that poor butterfly stuck on her left breast. I think I know what’s going on. This “tit-tremor” feature is really a game play mechanic used for the game’s subplot of rescuing that trapped butterfly. I wonder if you can slam the breasts together to try and jar the butterfly loose? Its wings appear intact, so there’s no reason it won’t be able to fly once freed.

Conclusion

Tecmo wants people to talk about their game. and this trailer almost guarantees that will happen. Is it important that no one is talking about the game play or the graphics? I don’t know. I’m guessing that Tecmo doesn’t care why you buy the game, as long as you buy the game.

A couple weeks ago, I saw a story on Adfreak about how Activision was including a playable avatar of Kurt Cobain in Guitar Hero 5. I was a little confused by the announcement because it didn’t have anything to do with Courtney Love, and everyone knows that if you mention Kurt Cobain, “Courtney Love” must follow his name somewhere in the paragraph.

I didn’t understand Courtney Love’s silence on the issue, but I figured she had shut herself in a closet somewhere so she could practice making faces in the mirror. I knew that, sooner or later, we’d all get the treat of hearing her take on the situation.

And boy did we luck out. I expected some kind of self-congratulatory comment from Love about getting Cobain in the game for his fans or whatever. But Courtney decided that Christmas should come early this year and then went crazy.

The Tweets

Where did Courtney Love choose to announce that she was suing Acitivision over the use of Kurt Cobain’s likeness in Guitar Hero 5?  No, all the bathroom stalls at the Hard Rock cafe must have been full. Instead, Love decided to post two barely coherent posts on Twitter at around five in the morning on September 10th.

I read through some of Courtney Love’s past tweets before writing this post so I could get a feeling for her writing style and the content that she usually tweets about. Before I post her two “suing Activision” tweets, I feel it’s important to tell you that Courtney Love uses Twitter like it’s a free-writing exercise prescribed by her psychiatrist. Almost all of her tweets are continuations of previous tweets, which makes me think that Courtney Love sees Twitter’s character limit as some kind of unfortunate bug that will only get fixed if she constantly makes it occur. Because of this, and because she’s Courtney Love, it’s almost impossible to figure out what she’s talking about.

Ok, here we go.

Tweet #1 — “we have NOTHING to do with this it was presented to me and oi said “show me a better avataR” TO DRAG MY HEELS., never did i intend on allowi”

Followed immediately by Tweet #2 — “allowing GUITARHERO for me or for Kurt i am NOT yoko fucking Ono no ofense to her, but i am a different person entirely and this is insane”

I like how in the first tweet she basically admits to fucking around with Activision by making them produce a better avatar of Kurt Cobain even though she never intended to allow Cobain’s appearance in the game. That’s nice, Courtney. I’m glad you tried to waste the time of the designer who spent countless hours trying to get your dead husband’s stupid fucking hair to drape correctly.

What does she mean by “allowing guitarhero for me or for kurt?” Maybe she’s mad because she tried to get Activision to include an avatar of Courtney Love in the game, but Activision refused because it’s impossible for programmers to accurately code how Love’s drug-riddled body would dance to a song by Peter Frampton or Wolfmother.

My favorite part of these tweets is Courtney Love’s random attack on Yoko “Fucking” Ono. We have to remember that Twitter only allows 140 characters per post, so Love must have really wanted to get that Yoko Ono jab in. And when’s the last time you heard someone replace a person’s middle name with profanity and then follow that with “no ofense to her?” Courtney Love just turned Yoko Ono’s name into something you scream when the car breaks or when you drop a bunch of dishes. In fact, I’m going to replace “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE” with “YOKO-FUCKING-ONO.”

“Bryan, I’ve been cheating on you.”

“YOKO-FUCKING-ONO”

Activision’s reponse to all of this is that Courtney Love signed off on the project and was even  involved in the development process. It’s possible that Courtney Love forgot about the whole thing after her copy of the contract was left on the coffee table under all the money Activision gave her. And I think it’s important to know if the contract was made out of cigarette paper. If so, there’s no chance Courtney Love still has her copy.

Cobain In Game

Here’s an example of Kurt Cobain’s avatar in Guitar Hero 5.

Now, some people are saying that it’s stupid and disrespectful to be able to use the Kurt Cobain avatar for other songs. But I’d like to remind these people that this is a video game, a video game you play with plastic guitars.

And what’s wrong with these songs by other artists? Why is a cartoon-image of Kurt Cobain too good to sing a cover song? When I look at that video, I see a happy Kurt Cobain goofing around on stage. This is a welcome change from the sold-out mope-fests that Cobain performed when he was alive. And, guess what, at those mope-fests he performed cover songs. In the video, Cobain’s reanimated cartoon-self decided to replace Dave Grohl on drums with some kind of demon skeleton. I think this answers the question of whether or not Kurt Cobain went to hell.

Conclusion

I found the original story of a Kurt Cobain avatar in Guitar Hero 5 interesting because it seemed like a great way to market a band that’s been broken up since 1994. This Courtney Love tantrum seems like an even better way. I haven’t heard people talk this much about Nirvana since Cobain killed himself. And since it’s impossible for Cobain to kill himself every couple years, Nirvana needs other types of marketing.

I hope this whole Courtney Love thing doesn’t ruin the chances for a Nirvana branded music game much like “The Beatles: Rockband.” For that game’s plot, I suggest that Cobain rises from the earth much like that mummy in “The Mummy” movie and the only way he can reclaim his bodily fluids and tissue is to rock the fuck out at a series of Nirvana comeback concerts. I’m still working on the title but “Guitar Hero: Nirvana: Rockin’ From My Grungy Grave” has a nice ring to it.

cartoon via Penny-Arcade

You’d think a website like Chow.com with a name that’s a synonym for both food and the act of eating would have no problem attracting Gamespot.com’s audience. Based on data gathered from myself, people who visit Gamespot are mainly interested in video games and people who are mainly interested in video games are totally interested in eating.

So I was surprised when I visited Gamespot.com and saw a Chow.com ad that didn’t include any mention of chocolate or things fried in butter.

You know, for when you stay up all night getting blasted and playing Fat Princess, but forget about the big Street Fighter 4 tournament in the morning.

Instead of a food ad, Chow.com decided to go with a hangover cure ad. This struck me as a little disingenuous. I mean, come on Chow, you know you’re targeting Gamespot so you can get all our bacon-drooling asses over to your giant food recipe site. Were you worried that a food ad would be too transparent? Were you worried that if you put up something like

To be fair, this is quite difficult

the sweaty mass of acne and AC/DC shirts that comprises the Gamespot community would riot and tear down your website? Chow.com failed to realize that any anger brought on by a food ad could quickly be extinguished by offering some type of fast-food coupon since, statistically speaking, the people mad about the ad would be the people with blood atomically closest to tapioca pudding.  Here’s a helpful graph.

I actually find Chow.com’s hangover ad a little insulting. I interpret it as Chow.com thinking that all us pudgy-thumbed gamers over at Gamespot see drinking as the peak of coolness and that any ad mentioning drinking, hangovers, or Miller Lite will automatically get click-throughs.

But I think that a jokingly insulting food ad would get a lot more clicks. I like to think that I’m a part of a group of people who don’t mind being made fun of as long as it’s honest and humorous. I would much rather have seen any of the following ads than that hangover ad.

Flags are heavy. Well, flag poles are heavy. The flags themselves are really light.

or

The heavier you get, the harder it is to play for an extended period of time without excess glucose blurring your vision

or

I'd try this if I'd been more proactive and harvested that spare hobo heart I talked about a few posts ago.

Those three ads, while pointing out that Chow is interested in Gamespot because the Gamespot population likes food, are all more honest than that hangover ad. In the end, people who click on that hangover ad will never feel like they are genuinely wanted in the Chow community. They will only feel duped by a marketing tactic.

Electronic Arts wasn’t very savvy this past week with their Dante’s Inferno “Sin to Win” ad. For my reader(s) who aren’t familiar with this ad, here’s some background from Adland and Ars Technica.

Basically, EA released an ad/contest for their upcoming Dante’s Inferno video game that read like it encouraged mobs of geeks to sexually plunder booth babes at Comic-Con and then take pictures. The person with the best picture then won a “sinful” night out with two booth babes and a “chest full of booty.” I’m not sure how it’s possible for a girl to get her booty all the way up to her chest, but with enough Pilates maybe anything is possible.

After enough backlash, EA released an apology stating that the ad was poorly worded. But if this “Sin to Win” ad was the one EA settled on, how bad were the other ad pitches?  Here are five ideas.

The Blatantly Sexual

The Incorrect Movie Tie-In

The Free Branded Product

The Play On Hell

The Right To The Point

The video game database site Giantbomb.com released their iPhone app yesterday, which I’m sure pleased their gigantic community of users who can now utilize all the site’s features while jogging or eating salad outside in the sun.

I think the release of the app is great for Giantbomb. Those guys put out a hell of a product, and I’m hoping that the app’s $1.99 price can help them continue to put out a hell of a product.

But I’m more interested in the commercial that Giantbomb made to advertise for the new app because, you know, that’s what I do here.

The commercial succeeds because of the strong casting, bold ideas, and a receptive audience that spends their free-time editing a database about video games.

Ryan Davis leads the commercial off with an oscar worthy performance as the “Fart App” in a parody of the Mac vs PC commercials. The idea for this part of the commercial isn’t the greatest, but Ryan manages to carry it much like Edward Furlong in Pet Semetary Two. Sorry, Anthony Edwards.

And what can I say about the multi-talented Vinny Caravella? The Cash 4 Games parody of the Cash 4 Gold commercials is brought home by Vinny’s pitch-perfect “person who is not officially being paid to endorse the product or service but totally is being paid” guy. If his smarmy smile at the end of that segment doesn’t send you scrambling for games to mail in, I can’t see how you’re ever going to make it in the Senate.

I was also impressed by the writing in the commerical. Ryan Davis’s character in the Cash 4 Game parody states, “all I had to do was look through my shelves for the games I never wear …play.” Vinny’s voice over during the last part of the commercial includes the great lines, “Giantbomb should not be handled by men who are pregnant or wish to become pregnant” and, my favorite, “use of Giantbomb will not prevent STDs such as HIV Aids or pregnancy.”

Great job on this one, guys. If infomercials came on TV like this every night, I’d stay up and watch. Well, I already stay up and watch, but I could do it without obsessively spinning a revolver.