Budweiser’s Ale Finder Helps The Internet Find Beer

The Ale Finder, a beautiful union of technology and utility, fills a niche for people who need the Internet to figure out how to get drunk. Using space-aged mapping technology and what I can only assume are sophisticated malt sensors, the Ale Finder shows users the closest spot to purchase cool, refreshing Budweiser Ale.

The novelty of the tool aside, I’m confused about the intended market. True beer connoisseurs aren’t searching for a Budweiser brew, and true alcoholics can’t remember which icon they click on to access the Internet. The finder is also available on the iPhone, but again, beer-snobs don’t drink Budweiser, and an iPhone can only get urinated on a certain about of times before it loses touch functionality.

I need to put the Ale Finder to the test to figure out its audience.

Using The Ale Finder

To locate the Ale Finder, I typed “beer” into Google. The Budweiser website was the third result, so I clicked on it expecting the Ale Finder to just pop up and show me where to spend my rent money. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any mention of the Ale Finder on Budweiser’s website. The site is just page after page on how to correctly pour beer into a glass, stories about horses, and pictures of race cars. It’s a virtual kindergarten classroom for drunks.

I decided that I was being too mainstream. The Ale Finder obviously wasn’t intended for people who want to learn more about beer or buy beer at a respectable liquor store with paper-money that isn’t damp.  So I tried another search with the phrase “HEADACHE GOAWAY JUICE.” This search led me to an article on the website “Raw People” about getting rid of the inevitable headache that occurs after drinking nothing but juice. I figured the article would advise to eat something that can’t be manipulated by a straw. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the solution to a juice headache is shooting hot water up your ass. Is there no problem that filling your ass with hot liquid won’t solve?

A search for “find beer” netted similar results. The Ale Finder was obviously a tool that you had to know about. I’m not sure where you’re supposed to learn about an application to locate beer. It doesn’t sound like the kind of literature they hand out at AA meetings.

After directly visiting the Ale Finder website, I was greeted by a Google Maps powered window with a prompt to enter my zip.

Typing numbers from the home row is hard when you've got the shakes. I can't help but feel that Mavis Beacon didn't adequately prepare me for typing in the real world.

I hit enter and..

I wonder how much furniture has been destroyed because of this screen.

GREAT. How else am I supposed to find the nearest location that sells Budweiser Ale? I don’t have time to smell the breath of every hobo in a half-mile radius. Philadelphia obviously has something against me enjoying myself. I can’t see another explanation for blocking an Internet search tool for a specific kind of beer. Has blocking it really helped the state of Pennsylvania?  I can’t wait to see this used politically in the next big election:

Here’s a report from John Groovers, a recovering alcoholic.

“yeah, I was using the ale finder three, four times a day. Beer? No, no, I was a scotch man. I just used the ale finder because someone made it my home page as a joke, and I couldn’t figure out how to change it.”

Here’s a report from an elected official running for reelection.

“We’ve done some good work since I took office. Thanks to efforts from the community, kids can no longer use the Ale Finder to locate beer. This allows them more time for video games and looking up masturbation techniques. …at the library. At least they’re at the library.”

Here’s a report from a local bar owner.

“For the last time, you can’t pay in Chuck E Cheese tokens.”

Conclusion

After my extensive, professional research, I’ve concluded that Budweiser’s marketing department has no idea what they are doing. I can’t figure out who the Ale Finder tool is supposed to attract. It’s only useful for people who’ve heard about Budweiser Ale and want to try it, and I can’t see them making that mistake more than once.

Tagged as: ale finder, budweiser