We all know that lovable Snuggle Bear from the Snuggle fabric softener commercials. He’s been with Snuggle since 1983 in a mutually lucrative relationship that I’m guessing started when both parties figured out they had the same name.
Snuggle Bear is known for his creepy obsession with softness, freshness, and cuddling; which makes him and the Snuggle brand a perfect match. But before he started working with Snuggle, his peculiarities made it hard to work for other employers.
Mattress Salesman
–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 conversation with the manager of a Sleepy’s mattress store–
Manager Mark: “We can’t name a mattress line after you, Snuggle. We don’t do that and besides you’ve only been here a week.”
Snuggle: “But none of these mattresses are as soft as me!”
Mark: “Snuggle, if you don’t like any of our mattresses, why do you want to name yourself after one of our lines?”
Snuggle: “Once people lay on me, they won’t care what name is on the label.”
Mark: “…Wait. I’m confused here. We’re talking about mattresses, right?”
Snuggle: “Do you want to lay on me, Mark?”
Mark: “What?”
Snuggle: “Come on, Mark. You look tired.”
Mark: “Snuggle … I … I don’t know how we got on this topic, but I’m your boss and this really isn’t appropriate.”
Snuggle: “Touch my fur.”
Mark: “Snuggle”
Snuggle: “Touch. My. Fur.”
Mark: “Th..”
Snuggle: “touchmyfurtouchmyfurtouchmyfur”
~
Computer Hardware Engineer
–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1973 IBM interview–
Supervisor John: “So what kind of engineering experience have you had, Mr. Bear.”
Snuggle: “I have less static cling.”
John checks his notes
John: “Mr. Snuggle Bear, correct?”
Snuggle: “Weeeee! that’s me!”
John: “I need you to leave.”
~
Cashier at Wendy’s
–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1978 Wendy’s job interview–
Snuggle: “I hear your hamburgers are cuddle fresh.”
Assistant Manager Rick: “Umm, we use fresh ground beef for our..”
Snuggle: “So your burgers are cuddle fresh.”
Rick: “I don’t know what you mean by cuddle..”
Snuggle: “They’re cuddle fresh. Great. I’ll take the job.”
Rick: “We didn’t even start the interview yet.”
–Snuggle’s first day of work at Wendy’s–
Snuggle: “weeeeeeeee! I’m so excited to be here Rick!”
Rick: “Try to keep your voice down when there are customers in..”
Snuggle: “Where do I make the cuddle fresh burgers!?”
Rick: “You’ll be working up front at the..”
Snuggle throws himself on the pile of meat patties by the grill, rolling around and sniffing furiously
Snuggle: “FUCK I SMELL LIKE MEAT”
~
Phone Sex Operator
Snuggle: “Hi! We’re the phone sex line that’s really less expensive.”
Customer: “Tell me what you’re wearing.”
Snuggle: “I’m a bear, so I’m not wearing anything.”
Customer: “Oh, so you’re a bit hairy huh? I like that in a man.”
Snuggle: “I’m a bear.”
Customer: “… Umm, how do you feel, Mr. Bear.”
Snuggle: “I’m cuddly soft!”
Customer: “But I bet you’re getting pretty hard.”
Snuggle: “… … … No. I’m soft.”
Customer: “What kind of sex line is this?”
Snuggle: “We’re really less expensive!”
~
Circus Performer
–Excerpt from Snuggle Bear’s 1981 interview with Ringling Brothers Circus–
Snuggle: “Do I have to wear these chains.”
Ring Leader Drew: “You’re a bear.”
Snuggle: “Ok, but when I do the show I want to enter the ring by flying over the audience by parachute so I can yell ‘weeeeeeeeeeeeee’ all the way down.”
Drew: “You’re a bear.”
Snuggle: “And then I want to run up and down the aisles so all the kids can touch me and rub me and tell me how soft I am.”
Drew: “…”
Snuggle: “And then I want to spray perfume on the audience and sing and dance and have time for all the kids to come down and smell and perfume and get cuddles and…”
Drew: “You’ll be in a cage in the certain of the arena. The audience can take pictures of you snarling at the bars for a few minutes and then I walk in and hit you with a stool.”
Snuggle: “These chains are hurting my fur.”
Drew: “A stool and a whip.”
~
