3 Ways To Market A Small Business After A Dinosaur Attack

It’s funny to think of a dinosaur attack as a beneficial occurrence, but, if marketed correctly, it can be very helpful to a small business. There are risks involved; the insurance companies I contacted were reluctant to offer coverage for dinosaur attacks. Most even refused to cover flood damage when I used the phrase “flood of dinosaurs.”

Dinosaur attacks are also unpredictable. Some people may never encounter a dinosaur while others are attacked multiple times each week. What are the odds that Michael Crichton, writer of Jurassic Park, would be attacked and killed by a dinosaur? His “throat cancer” is a perfect example of what happens when you try to defend against a dinosaur attack with your throat.

But if you’re lucky enough to get attacked and then harness the attack correctly, it can be very beneficial to a small business. 

1.) Exposure

Let’s say you own a struggling acorn business. Your parents told you that selling acorns was a terrible idea. “People won’t buy what they can find on the ground,” your mother said. Your father, his vocal chords shredded from the acorn jam you fed him last Christmas, just shook his head and took a puff off his morphine inhaler.

There are only a couple ways to turn your business around:

• burn it down
• flood it
• get attacked by dinosaurs

The first two options won’t get much exposure for your business. Acorn stores burn down all the time, especially ones specializing in experimental acorn fuel. And even though flooding is especially harmful to an acorn business because it can cause the acorns to root and lose their completely hypothetical medicinal properties, it happens every day. The only way your friends and neighbors will take notice of your business’s demise is if a herd of raptors pick the lock on the back door and dismember the two Mexican toddlers you have shoveling acorns into the industrial lotion machine.

I guarantee that once you rebuild and rake a fresh layer of dirt over the floor, people will flock to your store just to see where the dinosaurs vomited after eating the entire display of “acorn juice” and where they shit in, around, and on top of the cash register.

2.) Product Diversity

Now that your store has suffered a dinosaur attack, it’s important to capitalize on the attack by offering a unique product. This will bring in some extra revenue while you wait for the local trauma ward to test the new acorn burn salve.

The easiest product to bring to market is a book about the dinosaur attack. It doesn’t matter if you weren’t at the store when the attack happened. This is a dinosaur attack; no one knows what’s supposed to happen. Write about how the dinosaurs had light sabers and how the big one force-pushed you when you went for your gun. Do dinosaurs spit grenades? I don’t know, do they?

You should position the completed book at the back of the store so people have to walk through the rest of your unsellable merchandise to pick up a copy. Some stores can get away with making customers buy a certain amount of other products to get the book half off. The “buy ten boxes of acorn band-aids before you can even handle ‘Midnight Dinosaur Graveyard Engine: The True Story of a Dinosaur Attack’” strategy is risky but could pay off.

3.) Scientific Consulting Work

Scientists love dinosaurs. Don’t believe me? The next time you’re at any type of scientific convention, yell out “Journey to the Center of the Earth wasn’t a documentary!” and see how many oatmeal baths you have to take later to reduce the slap-blisters. This love for dinos puts you in a unique position to offer your expertise as a dinosaur attack survivor.

Scientists pay big bucks to consultants with a bonus if they sit through a couple games of Stratego. To get hired, I suggest making some crazy claim along the lines of “I bet you guys still think Triceratops isn’t a meat eater, huh?” or “Guess how Brontosaurus reproduces? Have you ever heard of ‘neck ovaries’?”

The scientists have no way to test any of your claims, so you should be able to make up a bunch of nonsense while they run around the room chattering before fighting over the “good” microscope. In the downtime, you can finish the sketch of the new acorn pacifier.

Conclusion

Of course, all this information is void if you don’t survive the dinosaur attack. Since dinosaur attacks are so hard to predict, it’s impossible to offer any advice on not getting eaten. Unfortunately, the testing for the new acorn ballistic armor isn’t going well (acorns keep cracking during both the “hollow-point” and “step on with shoes” tests.)

But I guarantee that if you can survive a successful dinosaur attack and then follow these steps, your business will become more profittable and successful than you ever imagined.

Tagged as: dinosaur attack, market small business, small business tips