10 Things The Panda Can Change To Improve Its Wikipedia Page

It finally happened — The Internet turned on the panda. I knew we were headed here after Stephen Colbert named bears the biggest threat to America. Americans finally figured out that the panda is a bear. The rest of the people on the Internet just followed America’s lead, which is strange because that usually never happens.

The panda needs to act quickly before people start flying to China and taking embarrassing pictures of it with the intention of photoshopping in funny captions or flying to China and killing it for its flesh and pelt; this is the Internet we’re talking about, so I think either scenario is equally possible.

This recent online attack on the panda was incited by wildlife expert Chris Packham in an interview with the Radio Times.  This article contains a few choice Packham quotes from that interview.

“I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go, with a degree of dignity.”

These quotes made Internet users question the importance of the panda, and things went south quickly after. From a public relations perspective, the panda is in a dire situation. Fortunately, web users get all their information from Wikipedia. A few edits to the panda’s Wikipedia page should help improve its online image.

1.

Though the Giant Panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation rather than predatory behavior.

“presumably out of irritation?” Do you know what else attacks out of irritation? The South Mongolian Pussy Fish. And people have hunted that fish to the brink of extinction, presumably out of irritation that the fish is such a pussy. But this one is an easy fix. — “Though the Giant Panda is often assumed to be very wise, it has been known to attack humans by using its overwhelming knowledge of kung-fu to defend its land and people.”

2.

Although scientists do not know why these unusual bears are black and white, some speculate that the bold coloring provides effective camouflage into its shade-dappled snowy and rocky surroundings.

Scientists don’t know why the panda is black and white, but the best they can guess is that the coloring has to do with camouflage? And something called “shade-dappled?” If you’re going to speculate, do it right. — “Scientists don’t know why pandas are black and white, but some speculate that pandas spend much of their free time defending the earth from aliens that lack the ability to visually process black and white.”

3.

The Giant Panda has large molar teeth and strong jaw muscles for crushing tough bamboo.

Honestly isn’t always the best policy when it comes to boring physical attributes. For example, I have muscular teeth-ducts for crying during “Forrest Gump”, but this isn’t something I would advertise on my Wikipedia page. Here. — “The Giant Panda has large fangs and strong jaws for crushing alien exoskeletons and the skulls of panda babies deemed too pathetic to survive.”

4.

Pandas communicate through vocalization and scent marking such as clawing trees or spraying urine.

Some people on the Internet love things that communicate by spraying urine, but most people find this both unattractive and a waste of nakedness. But this one only needs a couple adjustments. — “Pandas communicate by texting and posting jealous comments on other pandas’ facebooks.”

5.

Despite its taxonomic classification as a carnivore, the Giant Panda has a diet that is primarily herbivorous, which consists almost exclusively of bamboo.

So the Panda is supposed to be eating meat but refuses because bamboo can’t run away or call the police? This is one that definitely needs a change as it makes the panda look both lazy and stupid. But all we need are a couple quick edits. — “The panda prefers steak cooked medium to medium rare and will travel great distances to select, kill, harvest, and cook the finest beef. People claim that the panda only eat bamboo, but this rumor will be put to rest in the panda’s new video game “Metal Gear Solid: Panda’s Hate Bamboo.”

6.

Unlike many other animals in Ancient China, pandas were rarely thought to have medical uses. The few known uses include the Sichuan tribal peoples’ use of panda urine to melt accidentally swallowed needles.

Panda urine can melt things? Why isn’t this the first sentence on the page? It doesn’t say what the needles are made out of, so we have to assume. — “Panda urine can melt steel, titanium, and adamantium. Because of this, Hugh Jackman refuses to travel to China over fear that the panda will urinate on the incoming jet, melting it and everyone on board before it ever reaches the runway.”

7.

Kermit and Theodore Roosevelt, Jr. became the first foreigners to shoot a panda, on an expedition funded by the Field Museum of Natural History in the 1920s.

Kermit the frog shot and killed a panda? We’re talking about a frog who is constantly raped by a female swine. We obviously need a pretty aggressive edit here. — “The panda has been shot but never killed. In the 1920s, Kermit the frog claimed to have shot and killed a panda on an expedition. This statement was widely denounced because it was well known that Kermit was on bed-rest during the 1920s after Miss. Piggy crushed his spine.”

8.

China began to offer pandas to other nations only on 10-year loans. The standard loan terms include a fee of up to US$ 1,000,000 per year.

It can’t look like China has all the control. People on the Internet hate creatures who aren’t in charge of their own destiny, like Harry Potter. — “Pandas began visiting other nations for 10 years at a time under the conditions that they were paid one hundred million dollars a year and were allowed to shit wherever they wanted.”

9.

The Giant Panda is an endangered species, threatened by continued habitat loss and by a very low birthrate, both in the wild and in captivity.

That sentence might be the most damaging one on the entire Wikipedia page. It claims that pandas are dying off, can’t protect their territory, and aren’t interested in having sex. That sounds like a pitch for the last season of Desperate Housewives.  — “The panda is a small, elite species. Therefore, it only needs a tiny habitat that it viciously protects by mauling woodsman and sabotaging construction equipment with proprietary ‘panda bombs.’ The panda, being a wise animal, uses several kinds of birth control, many times overlapping, to insure that they’ll always be free to watch pornography or get drunk on a Wednesday.”

10.

The mother panda usually abandons one of her cubs, and it dies soon after birth. At this time, scientists do not know how the female chooses which cub to raise.

Here’s a great opportunity to manipulate the online community by appealing to their beliefs. — “The mother panda abandons one of her cubs, and it dies soon after birth. Scientists don’t know how the female chooses which cub to raise, but experts suggest that she picks the one least likely to be gay.”

Tagged as: giant panda, panda, pr, wikipedia